Dear God,
I know You can read my heart and hear my prayers, but for me, right now I really need to get this prayer to You down on paper. For one thing, I really express myself with words, for another, I may need to read this letter later when I inevitably fall into the same misery.
I've always known the verse, "Delight inthe Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Obviously You know the desire of my heart: love and affection from a man. Now You know I'm not weak and needy and I don't need a boyfriend to be confident or happy and whatnot. My confidence comes from you (otherwise I ain't got any). I am who I am because of You. You are everything. You are amazing. And I don't need a boy to "complete" me because I am already completed in You. I know that.
Still, You do see the desire of my heart. I am almost 16 years old and I have never held hands, been asked out, anything. Sometimes I wonder if I'm attractive to anyone. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not pretty and that's why no one's responding to me. I won't lie (You'd know if I did anyway): I'd love to feel the warmth of a kiss. I've never gotten one. It gets so difficult sometimes because I have always wanted this, I have always had this desire for intimacy with a guy.
Of course I'm not shallow and I don't want a shallow relationship. I want a man after Your heart (darn, are those dudes attractive). A man who lives boldly and out loud for You...wow. I couldn't imagine settling for someone who's not seeking and following You.
But I do want that intimacy. Tonight was really hard. It overwhelmed me. I know You can see my heart. It hurt. Particularly because I do delight in You and I was unhappy that Your timing for my heart's desire was taking too long for me. This is seriously everything I long for on this earth, that kind of love and affection from a guy.
Then I grabbed 3 Bibles: my Teen Study one, a KJV one, and the NIV my Dad got for me. And I found Psalm 37, which has that "delight in the Lord" verse. I read the whole thing through slowly, letting it all sink in.
Alright. You got me, Lord. You got me. Again. There are 3 verses that stood out for me: "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart...be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."
So, God, I know You revealed stuff to me (like how it helps to read the entire chapter instead of just a verse...I know You're laughing and saying "duh"). First of all, I need to trust in You, which is something I admit I don't take seriously half the time. I mean, I trust You, but then I get antsy cuz Your timing isn't what I want it to be. That's not trust. I looked it up, the definition of "trust" is "reliance on another." I have to rely on You. I have trust issues, but that's my problem. You always keep Your promises, and I beg You to destroy these fears in me that tell me somehow You will let me down. It's not about me, God. I really, truly trust You now. It is out of my control. This is all Yours now.
Next, "do good" isn't really that difficult for me. I feel so odd saying that because everyone else seems to struggle with doing the right thing, but...I don't know. It's not real hard for me to stand up for what's right or "do good." My confidence is in You, so I can't fail.
The next verse about dwelling in the land really smacked me because as I read it, it was almost as if the words morphed to apply to my situation before it hit my brain. What I heard was, "Enjoy the safety and the comfort you are living in. You have never had to deal with a bad relationship, breakups, and no boy has even damaged the outer layer of your purity because I have protected you." That's amazing. You have given me a "safe pasture to enjoy."
And of course, the "delight in the Lord" verse I know. But the next one got me. "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him." I once had to practice a vocal song for my music teacher based pretty much on those verses, only it used "rest in the Lord" instead of "be still." But, yeah, I get it now: I must wait for Your timing (I learned that with the Headache Trial way back then, but You know me...I'm so compartmentalized, I learned to wait for Your timing for physical pain...emotional pain is another story). You know what You're doing. You know my life better than I do. I know You will keep Your promise and give me the desire of my heart, but it will be in Your time. In the meantime, I will be still before You and wait patiently.
Funny how I feel oodles better and my heart doesn't hurt anymore - the Bible has a way of solving any problem. God, thanks for writing it for me. I'd honestly be lost without it. And thanks for the different versons - they help me understand some things better.
Thanks for what You did tonight, God. Help me live out what You taught me. I love You. I seriously do.
-Rachel
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Learning more about myself than I first thought
There I was sitting, on the couch, a miserable expression on my face. My soul was downcast. My heart was ripping. I felt like the world was about to end. Oh, how I would throw myself off the nearest bridge if I could. The torture, the pain, the sadness. All too much for me to bear.
"Ah, the tragedy of unrequitted love," you sigh for me.
"Why, no," I would reply. "It's the tragedy of algebra."
Algebra is indeed a tragedy for me. I cannot stand the subject (nor can I stand geography and biology, so you may be hearing about those later). I don't get it, nor do I get why I need to learn it. I'm going to be a music major. True, there is math in music. For instance, you have to count beats. How difficult...for a kindergartener.
Mom tries to shoot me this phony baloney about, "You'll need it in adulthood." Then I ask her for some help on a particular concept, she stares at it for a while, then says, "I don't know" and goes to fetch the teacher's manual.
Obviously if Mom used it throughout her adult life, it would still be fresh in her brain, correct? So why do I have to learn it? "It makes you well-rounded." I want to be a musician, not a nuclear scientist, do I need to know algebra and plotting lines on graphs? "No, but it's good for you." Why do I need to do it? "To get into college."
Whoever came up with that standard should be shot.
"I think you have a little bit of a perfectionist streak in you," Mom tells me.
"I do not," I say as tears well up in my eyes because I'm not getting a concept I'd already learned.
Yes, it does frustrate me that I seem to be getting more B's than A's right now. Mom tells me I should either suck it up or figure out how to work for those A's.
But I don't wanna work for them, I want them to come naturally like they always did.
My mind flashes back to when I was 10-years-old. I wrote angrily in my diary, "Dear Diary, I HATE TODAY!! I forgot how to do my double-digit multiplication!"
Oh lordy, why did those days have to end?
Sure, I got aggravated, but I always got A's. It just came naturally. No matter what subject, I just got A's. It was guaranteed (except botany in 4th grade, in which I failed the entire subject with a resounding F). It irritates me that I can't just make A's naturally anymore. I have to work to get my A's now.
I have learned more about myself from this, although I didn't know there was anything else about me to learn. It is true I have a laidback, optimistic, easy-going personality when it comes to most things. I keep a level head in times of panic so I always remember what to do, I can take on surprise situations, I'm the most patient of my family (you ought to see how they stir while waiting for the Internet server to come up 30 seconds after they click it while I simply wait it out, because it's not a big deal, I know it'll come up eventually). I also drive my little brother (who's a little on the pessimistic side) insane with my philosophies. (Example: he wants to throw his Nintendo controller out the window, rip his bed apart, and smash his fist through the TV screen when Mario doesn't jump for the 80th time, and then he wants to rip me apart when I tell him, "It's just a game, besides you can always try again.").
For that reason, I have always denied the fact that I have a perfectionist streak in me. My insides would moan, "Nooo! It's not true!" But I have to accept the fact now that, yes, it is. When it comes to my grades and my music, I am extremely perfectionistic. (Is that a word?) And the thing is, I hate perfectionism (I don't think that's a word either). It drives me nuts when people want things absolutely perfect. My Dad is an extreme perfectionist and it drives me nuts. My little brother is also a perfectionist, and when you mix it with pessimism, that's a double whammy. It seems to me his video games are what makes him the angriest, but he still insists on playing them and I don't get it.
So why do the school subjects I'm not so good at irritate me so much? Because I hate perfectionism and when it comes to those subjects, I'm a perfectionist. I get so irritated at myself because I know it's not a big deal, it's just a math test, a B is a good grade. But I want it to be perfect! And then my other side says, But I hate perfectionists!
This conflict is going to drive me insane until I graduate college and don't have to worry about grades. It's good to finally understand why algebra and biology and geography bother me so much. I might be able to think of a counterattack now.
Which brings me to prayer....
"Ah, the tragedy of unrequitted love," you sigh for me.
"Why, no," I would reply. "It's the tragedy of algebra."
Algebra is indeed a tragedy for me. I cannot stand the subject (nor can I stand geography and biology, so you may be hearing about those later). I don't get it, nor do I get why I need to learn it. I'm going to be a music major. True, there is math in music. For instance, you have to count beats. How difficult...for a kindergartener.
Mom tries to shoot me this phony baloney about, "You'll need it in adulthood." Then I ask her for some help on a particular concept, she stares at it for a while, then says, "I don't know" and goes to fetch the teacher's manual.
Obviously if Mom used it throughout her adult life, it would still be fresh in her brain, correct? So why do I have to learn it? "It makes you well-rounded." I want to be a musician, not a nuclear scientist, do I need to know algebra and plotting lines on graphs? "No, but it's good for you." Why do I need to do it? "To get into college."
Whoever came up with that standard should be shot.
"I think you have a little bit of a perfectionist streak in you," Mom tells me.
"I do not," I say as tears well up in my eyes because I'm not getting a concept I'd already learned.
Yes, it does frustrate me that I seem to be getting more B's than A's right now. Mom tells me I should either suck it up or figure out how to work for those A's.
But I don't wanna work for them, I want them to come naturally like they always did.
My mind flashes back to when I was 10-years-old. I wrote angrily in my diary, "Dear Diary, I HATE TODAY!! I forgot how to do my double-digit multiplication!"
Oh lordy, why did those days have to end?
Sure, I got aggravated, but I always got A's. It just came naturally. No matter what subject, I just got A's. It was guaranteed (except botany in 4th grade, in which I failed the entire subject with a resounding F). It irritates me that I can't just make A's naturally anymore. I have to work to get my A's now.
I have learned more about myself from this, although I didn't know there was anything else about me to learn. It is true I have a laidback, optimistic, easy-going personality when it comes to most things. I keep a level head in times of panic so I always remember what to do, I can take on surprise situations, I'm the most patient of my family (you ought to see how they stir while waiting for the Internet server to come up 30 seconds after they click it while I simply wait it out, because it's not a big deal, I know it'll come up eventually). I also drive my little brother (who's a little on the pessimistic side) insane with my philosophies. (Example: he wants to throw his Nintendo controller out the window, rip his bed apart, and smash his fist through the TV screen when Mario doesn't jump for the 80th time, and then he wants to rip me apart when I tell him, "It's just a game, besides you can always try again.").
For that reason, I have always denied the fact that I have a perfectionist streak in me. My insides would moan, "Nooo! It's not true!" But I have to accept the fact now that, yes, it is. When it comes to my grades and my music, I am extremely perfectionistic. (Is that a word?) And the thing is, I hate perfectionism (I don't think that's a word either). It drives me nuts when people want things absolutely perfect. My Dad is an extreme perfectionist and it drives me nuts. My little brother is also a perfectionist, and when you mix it with pessimism, that's a double whammy. It seems to me his video games are what makes him the angriest, but he still insists on playing them and I don't get it.
So why do the school subjects I'm not so good at irritate me so much? Because I hate perfectionism and when it comes to those subjects, I'm a perfectionist. I get so irritated at myself because I know it's not a big deal, it's just a math test, a B is a good grade. But I want it to be perfect! And then my other side says, But I hate perfectionists!
This conflict is going to drive me insane until I graduate college and don't have to worry about grades. It's good to finally understand why algebra and biology and geography bother me so much. I might be able to think of a counterattack now.
Which brings me to prayer....
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
One body, many parts
Earlier today during school, I checked my agenda to see what I had next to do. I swallowed as the words "Geography Test" screamed out at me.
1 1/2 weeks into the school year, I have decided that geography is my least favorite subject so far. It just bores me. I'm never going to visit 99% of these countries, so I really don't see the point in being able to know all those teeny tiny countries I've never heard about. I know the general area of these places. You ask me where anything that ends in "stan" is, I know it's in the Middle East.
However, my younger brother (I can't say little brother anymore cuz he's now taller than I am) loves it. It's his favorite. You can ask him where anything is and he'll tell you.
Mom decided to take a little different approach for the geography test (James and I were taking the same test at the same time). She made it into a competitive game. She brought a bell down, placed it on the coffee table, and had me and James stand in the doorway several feet away. I knew I wasn't going to like this. Mom explained the rules: she would ask a question and whoever knew the answer had to ring the bell first and answer it.
Well, this is nice.
Half the stuff I'd learned flew from my mind as the questions were read off. The only couple times I did ring the bell was when James let me out of pity. I didn't enjoy the game at all and I felt frustrated beyond belief when it was finished. Why was my younger brother smarter than me? Why couldn't I grasp geography? Why did he seem like an absolute genius compared to me? And why did Mom pit him against me when she had to know how much better he was than me?
In other words, I felt miserable. I felt stupid. I felt embarrassed for feeling miserable and stupid. Why did it have to be this way?
Then God smacked me over the head. Rachel. Obviously I have not gifted you in geography. I gave you the gift of music. Quit being jealous.
Of course. While James smoked my butt in the geography test, he can retain just as much about music as I can about geography. I don't know which country is Niger, and he doesn't know how many flats are in the B flat scale. I can't remember what the sea in the Atlantic Ocean is (James keeps telling me it's Sargasso, but I keep thinking Sargento...then Mom tells me that's a cheese), and he doesn't know what Adante Moderato means.
The body of Christ has many parts. And I have to get it into my head that I can't be all the parts all at once. Not to say I shouldn't try (because I have to complete geography in order to complete 10th grade), but it's not my best subject and that's okay. God gifted me in music. So I shouldn't have been so selfish during the game. I should've been happy for James - he obviously enjoyed it.
One body. Many parts. Something I think a lot of us have to accept.
1 1/2 weeks into the school year, I have decided that geography is my least favorite subject so far. It just bores me. I'm never going to visit 99% of these countries, so I really don't see the point in being able to know all those teeny tiny countries I've never heard about. I know the general area of these places. You ask me where anything that ends in "stan" is, I know it's in the Middle East.
However, my younger brother (I can't say little brother anymore cuz he's now taller than I am) loves it. It's his favorite. You can ask him where anything is and he'll tell you.
Mom decided to take a little different approach for the geography test (James and I were taking the same test at the same time). She made it into a competitive game. She brought a bell down, placed it on the coffee table, and had me and James stand in the doorway several feet away. I knew I wasn't going to like this. Mom explained the rules: she would ask a question and whoever knew the answer had to ring the bell first and answer it.
Well, this is nice.
Half the stuff I'd learned flew from my mind as the questions were read off. The only couple times I did ring the bell was when James let me out of pity. I didn't enjoy the game at all and I felt frustrated beyond belief when it was finished. Why was my younger brother smarter than me? Why couldn't I grasp geography? Why did he seem like an absolute genius compared to me? And why did Mom pit him against me when she had to know how much better he was than me?
In other words, I felt miserable. I felt stupid. I felt embarrassed for feeling miserable and stupid. Why did it have to be this way?
Then God smacked me over the head. Rachel. Obviously I have not gifted you in geography. I gave you the gift of music. Quit being jealous.
Of course. While James smoked my butt in the geography test, he can retain just as much about music as I can about geography. I don't know which country is Niger, and he doesn't know how many flats are in the B flat scale. I can't remember what the sea in the Atlantic Ocean is (James keeps telling me it's Sargasso, but I keep thinking Sargento...then Mom tells me that's a cheese), and he doesn't know what Adante Moderato means.
The body of Christ has many parts. And I have to get it into my head that I can't be all the parts all at once. Not to say I shouldn't try (because I have to complete geography in order to complete 10th grade), but it's not my best subject and that's okay. God gifted me in music. So I shouldn't have been so selfish during the game. I should've been happy for James - he obviously enjoyed it.
One body. Many parts. Something I think a lot of us have to accept.
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