It's Complicated

Everyone knows at least one person who doesn't have a life (especially teenagers). They go to school, come home, spend hours in front of the computer chatting with their Internet friends (since they don't have any in real life) and/or watching TV. Then they go to bed and that's how their day goes. I know several people like that.

And, as well, everyone knows someone who's got the opposite problem: too much of a life. Check their calendar and you'll notice they probably only have a couple hours of free time (don't worry, those'll be booked up by next week).

I know people like that too. In fact, right now, I pretty much am one.

I check the calendar and I've got stuff I signed up for that I don't even remember signing up for. My mental weekly planner goes something like this: "Okay, it's Sunday morning. I'll go to church, hang around for a Target team meeting, then go home, eat, come back and babysit, then I'll stay for youth group. Monday through Friday I have school. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays I have work - and my hours just got upped. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I have drivers ed - whoops, I've got babysitting on Wednesday and Friday too. Then I've got music lessons and a library visit a couple towns over on Tuesday, then I have to run right back to choir practice. I also have to really start preparing for the Watseka theatre auditions in March, other theatre auditions in April, and my piano recital in May. I've also got hours worth of writing to do...."

It just goes on and on and on. It's gotten to the point where 24 hours is just too short a day. After all this stuff, I just want to sit down, get writing. After all, my stories online have become very popular among the teen crowd. I've got a dozen stories left to write for them, plus two novels that I have to work on, that I would rather do more than anything right now. And throughout all this, I'm able to watch the American Idol results show on Wednesday (can't even get to the one on Tuesday), and maybe I can read a book at night if I'm not too exhausted.
(Too exhausted to read, anyway. Apparently I'm not too exhausted to fall asleep until five hours later - and then I wake up two hours after that).

I've never felt more overwhelmed in my life.

Don't get me wrong, I love doing all this stuff. I love childcare, I love doing stuff with church, I love my job, I love to write, I love to sing, and I love to perform. It's all stuff I love to do. I'd much rather be busy than have nothing to do, most of the time (nowadays I'd give anything for a day just to sit around and have nothing to do). Still...inside me, I know there's a great deal of stress that's building up from all this. I don't feel aggravated or totally whacked out, but I know that stress is in there. It's probably a big part of why I can't sleep at night, why my headaches have been getting more intense, and why my grades have been slipping (straight A's last year, straight B-minuses this year...not bad, but I can only imagine what it'll be next year).

It just blows my mind how I got this busy in the first place. I never used to have this much stuff to do. Nowadays, I've just learned to check the calendar, accept what I have, and don't think about it much. If I concentrate on something that's impossible for my mind to comprehend, I always end up bursting into tears (that's why there are saltwater stains all over my biology tests). A few nights I have thought about how I got to be this overwhelmed. I have no idea how it all started - nor do I have any idea how to lesson the load. I don't even know if I want to lesson the load. Right now, my mind's turned into a big pile of mush. I see and do - not much room to think anymore.

And everyone tells me, "You're only going to get busier once you get older."

By the time I'm twenty years old, my mother will probably update you on my funeral. "It's unfortunate...she was a beautiful, loving daughter, always doing whatever you asked of her. She was so responsible, keeping up so many duties, keeping her money in check, keeping everything in balance...it's so sad that after all this...[sniff] her head had to... [sob] explode...."

I think I want my graveyard marked with a poem: "Here lies dear Rachel / Who kept herself busy with plenty / But one day, she got carried away / And she lost her head at twenty."

Alright, I have to go - I have to take a shower, maybe get in some writing before drivers ed. After that, I have babysitting to do, so I'll be gone all day. I'll keep you updated later. :)