Literally.
I've invested a lot of time in this year's American Idol. I believe it's the strongest season yet - and that's saying a lot, because last year was incredible. I don't watch a lot of TV, but I do make sure I don't miss one episode of American Idol. I am firmly hooked on the show.
Yes, it displays a lot of talent and fulfills dreams. You get to really get connected with the contestants. But you know what one of the best parts is? You can express your faith on the show. If you happen to be a worship leader at your church, they don't keep that quiet. If you want to thank God for a good performance, you can go ahead and do that. In fact, last year during Idol Gives Back, the contestants sang "Shout To The Lord."
This year, however, is the strongest season of American Idol for the Christians, so to speak. "The year of the worship leader", the articles call it.
Why?
Of the top 36, 7 were worship leaders. 5 of those leaders made it through to the Top 13 - and in fact, none of them were eliminated before the Top 10, which means we'll be seeing all 5 of them in the upcoming tour.
Danny Gokey is the one that almost everyone knows is a worship leader. It's his main occupation. This man of faith looks like he'll be running all the way to the finals, probably against Adam Lambert (who's not a worship leader, but dang, that kid's voice gives me goosebumps...but I won't go on and on...and on...about him right now). Never had any formal training in his life, but he still uses the gifts God gave him.
Kris Allen is another worship leader that many know. His humble aw-shucks personality (and his face that's easy on the eyes) has many girls squealing, yet he proudly shows in bold and subtle ways how happy he is to be married to his wife. His proudest moment, he says in the American Idol interview, was when he married his wife. When he blew the judges away on Grand Ole Opry night, he didn't fail to show his wedding ring off to everyone. By the way, kudos to him for accepting Simon's advice to "be more self-confident, conceited, selfish" by saying, "Thank you. I will try to be more self-confident. I don't know about conceited, but self-confident, yes."
Scott MacIntyre, while technically not a "leader", plays music for his church quite often. His story of producing his music while dealing with blindness is inspirational and perhaps the main reason he's still on the show. His vocals are not the strongest, but his story - and probably his faith - keeps him going.
Matt Giraud, as well as being a dual piano player, is also a worship leader. He's really beginning to step out as a contender. We will probably be seeing him for quite some time, along with Kris Allen and definitely Danny Gokey. These 3 Christians probably aren't leaving for quite some time.
And good ole Michael Sarver leads worship on Sundays while he works as an oil rigger during the week. It's a surprise that he's even made it this far in the competition, based on vocals and appearance. While his vocals are good, they haven't stood out perhaps as much as the others, and he doesn't have a "commercial" appearance. Yet I'm convinced it's his humble, gracious attitude that's kept him here this long. People love his personality. "Thank you, ma'am", "thank you, sir," and "I appreciate that" are regulars in his vocabulary. And when doled some hefty criticism from the judges, he responded with a calm, "Hey, I made it to the Top 10 in American Idol, the greatest show in the world." No comment from the judges is going to make him forget the big picture.
It's the year of the worship leader. It's great to see America voting these guys through. Yes, their personalities are likeable - it's amazing to see the names these guys are giving us Christians. It's refreshing. In any other show on TV, Christians would be looked down upon. On this show, however, America is voting through the Christians. They know Danny Gokey's a worship leader. They're voting him through strongly. These men are all representatives of God and America is seeing it and voting them through.
It's a good season. A very good season.
(Make sure you vote for the worship leaders, but put in a few votes for Adam Lambert too...he's phenomenal).
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
It's Complicated
Everyone knows at least one person who doesn't have a life (especially teenagers). They go to school, come home, spend hours in front of the computer chatting with their Internet friends (since they don't have any in real life) and/or watching TV. Then they go to bed and that's how their day goes. I know several people like that.
And, as well, everyone knows someone who's got the opposite problem: too much of a life. Check their calendar and you'll notice they probably only have a couple hours of free time (don't worry, those'll be booked up by next week).
I know people like that too. In fact, right now, I pretty much am one.
I check the calendar and I've got stuff I signed up for that I don't even remember signing up for. My mental weekly planner goes something like this: "Okay, it's Sunday morning. I'll go to church, hang around for a Target team meeting, then go home, eat, come back and babysit, then I'll stay for youth group. Monday through Friday I have school. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays I have work - and my hours just got upped. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I have drivers ed - whoops, I've got babysitting on Wednesday and Friday too. Then I've got music lessons and a library visit a couple towns over on Tuesday, then I have to run right back to choir practice. I also have to really start preparing for the Watseka theatre auditions in March, other theatre auditions in April, and my piano recital in May. I've also got hours worth of writing to do...."
It just goes on and on and on. It's gotten to the point where 24 hours is just too short a day. After all this stuff, I just want to sit down, get writing. After all, my stories online have become very popular among the teen crowd. I've got a dozen stories left to write for them, plus two novels that I have to work on, that I would rather do more than anything right now. And throughout all this, I'm able to watch the American Idol results show on Wednesday (can't even get to the one on Tuesday), and maybe I can read a book at night if I'm not too exhausted.
(Too exhausted to read, anyway. Apparently I'm not too exhausted to fall asleep until five hours later - and then I wake up two hours after that).
I've never felt more overwhelmed in my life.
Don't get me wrong, I love doing all this stuff. I love childcare, I love doing stuff with church, I love my job, I love to write, I love to sing, and I love to perform. It's all stuff I love to do. I'd much rather be busy than have nothing to do, most of the time (nowadays I'd give anything for a day just to sit around and have nothing to do). Still...inside me, I know there's a great deal of stress that's building up from all this. I don't feel aggravated or totally whacked out, but I know that stress is in there. It's probably a big part of why I can't sleep at night, why my headaches have been getting more intense, and why my grades have been slipping (straight A's last year, straight B-minuses this year...not bad, but I can only imagine what it'll be next year).
It just blows my mind how I got this busy in the first place. I never used to have this much stuff to do. Nowadays, I've just learned to check the calendar, accept what I have, and don't think about it much. If I concentrate on something that's impossible for my mind to comprehend, I always end up bursting into tears (that's why there are saltwater stains all over my biology tests). A few nights I have thought about how I got to be this overwhelmed. I have no idea how it all started - nor do I have any idea how to lesson the load. I don't even know if I want to lesson the load. Right now, my mind's turned into a big pile of mush. I see and do - not much room to think anymore.
And everyone tells me, "You're only going to get busier once you get older."
By the time I'm twenty years old, my mother will probably update you on my funeral. "It's unfortunate...she was a beautiful, loving daughter, always doing whatever you asked of her. She was so responsible, keeping up so many duties, keeping her money in check, keeping everything in balance...it's so sad that after all this...[sniff] her head had to... [sob] explode...."
I think I want my graveyard marked with a poem: "Here lies dear Rachel / Who kept herself busy with plenty / But one day, she got carried away / And she lost her head at twenty."
Alright, I have to go - I have to take a shower, maybe get in some writing before drivers ed. After that, I have babysitting to do, so I'll be gone all day. I'll keep you updated later. :)
And, as well, everyone knows someone who's got the opposite problem: too much of a life. Check their calendar and you'll notice they probably only have a couple hours of free time (don't worry, those'll be booked up by next week).
I know people like that too. In fact, right now, I pretty much am one.
I check the calendar and I've got stuff I signed up for that I don't even remember signing up for. My mental weekly planner goes something like this: "Okay, it's Sunday morning. I'll go to church, hang around for a Target team meeting, then go home, eat, come back and babysit, then I'll stay for youth group. Monday through Friday I have school. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays I have work - and my hours just got upped. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I have drivers ed - whoops, I've got babysitting on Wednesday and Friday too. Then I've got music lessons and a library visit a couple towns over on Tuesday, then I have to run right back to choir practice. I also have to really start preparing for the Watseka theatre auditions in March, other theatre auditions in April, and my piano recital in May. I've also got hours worth of writing to do...."
It just goes on and on and on. It's gotten to the point where 24 hours is just too short a day. After all this stuff, I just want to sit down, get writing. After all, my stories online have become very popular among the teen crowd. I've got a dozen stories left to write for them, plus two novels that I have to work on, that I would rather do more than anything right now. And throughout all this, I'm able to watch the American Idol results show on Wednesday (can't even get to the one on Tuesday), and maybe I can read a book at night if I'm not too exhausted.
(Too exhausted to read, anyway. Apparently I'm not too exhausted to fall asleep until five hours later - and then I wake up two hours after that).
I've never felt more overwhelmed in my life.
Don't get me wrong, I love doing all this stuff. I love childcare, I love doing stuff with church, I love my job, I love to write, I love to sing, and I love to perform. It's all stuff I love to do. I'd much rather be busy than have nothing to do, most of the time (nowadays I'd give anything for a day just to sit around and have nothing to do). Still...inside me, I know there's a great deal of stress that's building up from all this. I don't feel aggravated or totally whacked out, but I know that stress is in there. It's probably a big part of why I can't sleep at night, why my headaches have been getting more intense, and why my grades have been slipping (straight A's last year, straight B-minuses this year...not bad, but I can only imagine what it'll be next year).
It just blows my mind how I got this busy in the first place. I never used to have this much stuff to do. Nowadays, I've just learned to check the calendar, accept what I have, and don't think about it much. If I concentrate on something that's impossible for my mind to comprehend, I always end up bursting into tears (that's why there are saltwater stains all over my biology tests). A few nights I have thought about how I got to be this overwhelmed. I have no idea how it all started - nor do I have any idea how to lesson the load. I don't even know if I want to lesson the load. Right now, my mind's turned into a big pile of mush. I see and do - not much room to think anymore.
And everyone tells me, "You're only going to get busier once you get older."
By the time I'm twenty years old, my mother will probably update you on my funeral. "It's unfortunate...she was a beautiful, loving daughter, always doing whatever you asked of her. She was so responsible, keeping up so many duties, keeping her money in check, keeping everything in balance...it's so sad that after all this...[sniff] her head had to... [sob] explode...."
I think I want my graveyard marked with a poem: "Here lies dear Rachel / Who kept herself busy with plenty / But one day, she got carried away / And she lost her head at twenty."
Alright, I have to go - I have to take a shower, maybe get in some writing before drivers ed. After that, I have babysitting to do, so I'll be gone all day. I'll keep you updated later. :)
Friday, January 30, 2009
Learning To Accept Myself
News is important. I like to read both the local newspaper and USA Today frequently to make sure I'm all caught up with what's going on. It surprises people at my work sometimes when I'm reading the newspaper during my lunch break. However, when it comes to random stuff and little tidbits on celebrity info, MSN.com is my place to be. One of my favorite articles is called "Celebrity Undressed" - which features different celebrities and their major fashion flubs. It's amusing to see what kind of stuff celebrities think they can get away with just because they're celebrities - especially certain ones that repeatedly make article after article. While browsing through the new update, Lindsay Lohan was featured - and I had to do a double take to make sure I wasn't seeing things wrong. It wasn't necessarily because of what she was wearing; it was her extreme thinness that struck me. It almost didn't look real. It disgusted me, really.
Which is something I'm proud to say. About this time last year, if I would've seen that picture of her, I would have thought, "I wish I were that thin."
I don't really recall how it happened in the first place, but I know it was around my 15th birthday that I started perceiving myself as fat. I was a perfectly healthy weight, but I certainly wasn't happy with it. I didn't look as good as the stick-thin celebrity girls with the amazing bods - I didn't even look as good as most of my friends. They were beautiful and thin, and they didn't even put any effort into it. Thin = beautiful. That mindset got hammered into my head.
I have always been a very logical girl. If something hasn't been proven, I stay pretty skeptical about it. I had read hundreds of stories and books about how dieting does not work, so I knew I wasn't going to go with any organized diet. I was going to go with my own. Logically, if you severely lower your calorie intake, your body has to lose weight. Even if it's only temporarily, that's the way it works. So that's what I did. Almost immediately I cut myself down to one small meal a day. Of course I was absolutely starving at first, but my willpower was pretty strong. I wanted to be thin so I was going to be thin.
(That's another thing about me, by the way - when I'm determined to do something, I do it.)
I was absolutely thrilled when, in the first 3 days, I lost 5 lbs from my efforts. That gave me all the fuel I needed to keep up my habits. I began to keep track of my caloric intake, praising myself if it was 800 and under, and criticising myself if it were over 1,000. Foods, especially desserts, became my enemy. If I accidentally ate a "bad" food, or if somebody made me eat something, I sometimes got so upset that I would hide in the bathroom and shed a few tears. I remember my parents, especially my Dad, becoming concerned about my eating patterns. I always just claimed I wasn't hungry - which, after my body got used to my eating habits, became entirely true. My stomach shrunk, and I was happy with it. Dad would tell me I "had to eat something," to which I believed in my heart that I really didn't. Whenever both parents were gone for the day, sometimes a pretzel and a box of raisins would be my only meal for the entire day.
I lost fifteen pounds in a very short amount of time, and afterwards didn't seem to lose anymore, but I didn't gain any of it back either. I still wasn't completely satisfied with my body, but I liked it better. Exercising - sometimes to the point of exhaustion - was something I did everyday. I would smile with pride as I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my ribs showing more each week, my hip bones protruding, my shoulders bony. My face took on an angular shape and for the first time in my teenage years, I really thought I was somewhat pretty. When I smiled, there was no fat around my face. It felt great. My diary is filled with pages of those days, ecstatic when I would go 24 hours without eating and enraged when I broke down and had a cookie when I told myself I wouldn't have one.
I kept it downplayed pretty well. My parents would get concerned, but my laidback, nonchalant responses kept the matter from being serious. By the time I was 5 months in, I couldn't imagine living any other way. The thought of eating 3 meals a day disgusted me. I shuddered when I thought of my old days and how "fat" I was. I still didn't think I had an "eating disorder" or "anorexia." I was just becoming "extremely healthy." I remember clearly one of my diary pages, towards the end, sealed in ink: "I'm not anorexic...at least I don't think I'm anorexic. If I am, I don't mind."
After 8 months of living with my extreme diet, I began to read all sorts of stuff about eating disorders. One book listed 14 signs of anorexia and I displayed 10 of those signs. I refused to think about it at first. I still prayed to God about other things. Don't get me wrong, I didn't reject God during those months - I simply didn't bring up my eating habits in my prayers. I knew He knew about them. I also knew He probably wasn't happy about them. For both mission trips I've been on, 1st John 1:9 has been a required memory verse: "If you confess your sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive you your sins and purify you from all unrighteousness." The very last part is the reason I refused to confess my sin (yes, I now admit that it's a sin, even though it's still hard): I didn't want to be purified from it. I liked how my body looked and I liked how I went about doing it. If I faced God with my issue, I knew He'd want me to turn away from it, and I didn't want to turn away. Simple as that.
Finally I pushed myself to confess. I knew I had to, as much as I didn't want to. Like I suspected, He convicted me to start eating more healthfully. It was hard. It was very hard. I failed quite a few times, wanting so badly to go right back to ignoring food. When I started putting weight back on, I felt so ashamed and miserable. The new fat felt so uncomfortable and so disgusting. There was no "Hallelujah, the Lord has cleansed my soul and made me see I'm beautiful!" I hated the new fat on my body. Hated it. Yet I tried my hardest to keep eating healthfully, eating 3 meals a day because it's supposed to be the right thing to do.
Nowadays, I've come a long way. I've gotten over my habits. I eat 3 meals a day and sometimes snack in between as well. I've accepted food as good for me. Still, I am only starting to accept my body. I will be 100% honest - I liked my thinner body better. I felt healthier, I looked great, my self-esteem was higher, and I felt perkier. Having the body I always wanted energized me. Now I have to revamp my mind and tell myself that I am at a healthy weight and these curves on me are beautiful. It's not easy. I don't like taking pictures as much anymore because my face and smile aren't as beautiful as they once were. Back then, I used to look in the mirror and smile at my progress. Now I find it harder to accept that I'm 130 lbs.
It's hard, but I'm just learning to accept myself. This is what's right, isn't it? Eating disorders aren't right no matter how they feel - if I did have an eating disorder. Maybe.
Just had to get that off my chest. That's all for now.
Which is something I'm proud to say. About this time last year, if I would've seen that picture of her, I would have thought, "I wish I were that thin."
I don't really recall how it happened in the first place, but I know it was around my 15th birthday that I started perceiving myself as fat. I was a perfectly healthy weight, but I certainly wasn't happy with it. I didn't look as good as the stick-thin celebrity girls with the amazing bods - I didn't even look as good as most of my friends. They were beautiful and thin, and they didn't even put any effort into it. Thin = beautiful. That mindset got hammered into my head.
I have always been a very logical girl. If something hasn't been proven, I stay pretty skeptical about it. I had read hundreds of stories and books about how dieting does not work, so I knew I wasn't going to go with any organized diet. I was going to go with my own. Logically, if you severely lower your calorie intake, your body has to lose weight. Even if it's only temporarily, that's the way it works. So that's what I did. Almost immediately I cut myself down to one small meal a day. Of course I was absolutely starving at first, but my willpower was pretty strong. I wanted to be thin so I was going to be thin.
(That's another thing about me, by the way - when I'm determined to do something, I do it.)
I was absolutely thrilled when, in the first 3 days, I lost 5 lbs from my efforts. That gave me all the fuel I needed to keep up my habits. I began to keep track of my caloric intake, praising myself if it was 800 and under, and criticising myself if it were over 1,000. Foods, especially desserts, became my enemy. If I accidentally ate a "bad" food, or if somebody made me eat something, I sometimes got so upset that I would hide in the bathroom and shed a few tears. I remember my parents, especially my Dad, becoming concerned about my eating patterns. I always just claimed I wasn't hungry - which, after my body got used to my eating habits, became entirely true. My stomach shrunk, and I was happy with it. Dad would tell me I "had to eat something," to which I believed in my heart that I really didn't. Whenever both parents were gone for the day, sometimes a pretzel and a box of raisins would be my only meal for the entire day.
I lost fifteen pounds in a very short amount of time, and afterwards didn't seem to lose anymore, but I didn't gain any of it back either. I still wasn't completely satisfied with my body, but I liked it better. Exercising - sometimes to the point of exhaustion - was something I did everyday. I would smile with pride as I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my ribs showing more each week, my hip bones protruding, my shoulders bony. My face took on an angular shape and for the first time in my teenage years, I really thought I was somewhat pretty. When I smiled, there was no fat around my face. It felt great. My diary is filled with pages of those days, ecstatic when I would go 24 hours without eating and enraged when I broke down and had a cookie when I told myself I wouldn't have one.
I kept it downplayed pretty well. My parents would get concerned, but my laidback, nonchalant responses kept the matter from being serious. By the time I was 5 months in, I couldn't imagine living any other way. The thought of eating 3 meals a day disgusted me. I shuddered when I thought of my old days and how "fat" I was. I still didn't think I had an "eating disorder" or "anorexia." I was just becoming "extremely healthy." I remember clearly one of my diary pages, towards the end, sealed in ink: "I'm not anorexic...at least I don't think I'm anorexic. If I am, I don't mind."
After 8 months of living with my extreme diet, I began to read all sorts of stuff about eating disorders. One book listed 14 signs of anorexia and I displayed 10 of those signs. I refused to think about it at first. I still prayed to God about other things. Don't get me wrong, I didn't reject God during those months - I simply didn't bring up my eating habits in my prayers. I knew He knew about them. I also knew He probably wasn't happy about them. For both mission trips I've been on, 1st John 1:9 has been a required memory verse: "If you confess your sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive you your sins and purify you from all unrighteousness." The very last part is the reason I refused to confess my sin (yes, I now admit that it's a sin, even though it's still hard): I didn't want to be purified from it. I liked how my body looked and I liked how I went about doing it. If I faced God with my issue, I knew He'd want me to turn away from it, and I didn't want to turn away. Simple as that.
Finally I pushed myself to confess. I knew I had to, as much as I didn't want to. Like I suspected, He convicted me to start eating more healthfully. It was hard. It was very hard. I failed quite a few times, wanting so badly to go right back to ignoring food. When I started putting weight back on, I felt so ashamed and miserable. The new fat felt so uncomfortable and so disgusting. There was no "Hallelujah, the Lord has cleansed my soul and made me see I'm beautiful!" I hated the new fat on my body. Hated it. Yet I tried my hardest to keep eating healthfully, eating 3 meals a day because it's supposed to be the right thing to do.
Nowadays, I've come a long way. I've gotten over my habits. I eat 3 meals a day and sometimes snack in between as well. I've accepted food as good for me. Still, I am only starting to accept my body. I will be 100% honest - I liked my thinner body better. I felt healthier, I looked great, my self-esteem was higher, and I felt perkier. Having the body I always wanted energized me. Now I have to revamp my mind and tell myself that I am at a healthy weight and these curves on me are beautiful. It's not easy. I don't like taking pictures as much anymore because my face and smile aren't as beautiful as they once were. Back then, I used to look in the mirror and smile at my progress. Now I find it harder to accept that I'm 130 lbs.
It's hard, but I'm just learning to accept myself. This is what's right, isn't it? Eating disorders aren't right no matter how they feel - if I did have an eating disorder. Maybe.
Just had to get that off my chest. That's all for now.
Monday, December 22, 2008
How To Survive - And Win - A Debate Against Christianity
First let me say, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. My mind's been focused on so many other things that I haven't come up with anything to write here. But now I have, which is the reason for this post. So please read on.
Have you ever been challenged about your faith? Has an atheist or an agnostic ever asked you to prove God? What did you do? Did you blush, step back, and stammer, "I-I don't know, it's just what I believe"? Or did you have a comeback for them? Unfortunately most of the people I know respond the first way. This is not a good testimony to your Christian faith. This tells people, "Christians just believe blindly" which we should not be accused of.
Online I have been in quite a few debates like that. And you know what? Someone challenges my Christianity and I answer their argument. I believe what I believe and I can back it up. You know what happens? Most of the time they don't expect this and they either don't talk to me again or they insult me and say something like, "There is no God!" but it's only because I've just insulted their intelligence. I gave good evidence supporting my Christianity and they don't have any evidence that they're prepared with to fight back. So they insult me and decide to ignore my statement. I don't care. I've made my point. I've done my job. It's not my fault they can't answer back.
Occasionally, though, I get those that continue to debate with me, answering my argument with an argument of their own, to which I will proceed to counteract their argument.
I'm telling you right now, when you become a true Christian, whether you are a teenager or a Christian parent trying to teach your kids about God, you need to know how to defend your Christianity. You need to know how to survive a debate against your Christianity and defend yourself until there is nowhere else to go - and usually for me this happens on the challenger's side. If you do not know how to defend your Christianity, you are giving Christianity a bad name. Christians should not be ignorant bashful people who have blind faith.
So how do you survive and win a debate against Christianity? Here are some steps:
#1 - Know God's Word.
By this, I do not mean "know the major stories." People are not going to challenge you on David, or Joseph, or Samson, or Abraham. You should know these stories, mind you, but they will not help in a debate. They help after the person has become a Christian and they can see the faith of God's chosen in the old days. Read the Bible thoroughly and memorize certain scriptures, or at least the general area where they are and what they say. People will likely ask you things like, "God created gay people, so why is He opposed to them?", "Where in the Bible does it mention abortion?", and "How could a loving God send good people to hell?" These are scriptural questions. You need to have scripture to back them up. For example, for the first question, Romans 1:26-27 says that God gave the people over to their "shameful lusts", that man lied with man and were "punished for their perversion." Obviously this states God did not create gay people. Homosexuality is a sin and God did not create humans to sin. Humans sinned on their own. You should know the general area of this and what it says. You should also use some common sense. The word "abortion" is not used anywhere in the Bible. However, in Psalm 139, David talks about how God had a plan for him even while he was in the womb, how he was "fearfully and wonderfully made." If God has purposes for us all and we are "fearfully and wonderfully made," He obviously is pro-life. So know the scriptures. Memorize spots where you're pretty sure people will challenge you. Common areas are homosexuality, abortion, and the justice of God (ex. "How could a loving God do...").
#2 - Know Your Logical, Historical, And Scientific Evidence.
Knowing the Bible is essential for debate - but unfortunately, you need more than just that to defend yourself. 98% of all agnostics (and 100% of atheists) believe the Word of God is just a book of holes anyway - Scriptures are essential for when they ask what God thinks about a certain subject. When they say the Bible is full of holes, guess what? You need logical evidence, historical evidence, and scientific evidence to back up that it is, in fact, the Holy Word of God and it is to be trusted. You need to know why abortion is wrong other than "God doesn't like it." You need to back up Intelligent Design. You do this by finding out the good points of your argument, and the flaws in your opponents argument. You also need to know what areas they will challenge you on your argument. For example, "A fetus is part of a woman's body, so she has a right to get rid of it." You need to know what to say to that. Use logic. Use historical evidence. Use scientific evidence. Once you back up your point, those who will continue to debate with you are logically-minded and will oppose you using science. I'm telling you this is true, so you need to know how to back yourself up with science and logic. Study it. Know why your beliefs are true and know how to counteract your opponent's argument.
Note: This is ESSENTIAL when people ask you to "prove God." They're smug, because they know you cannot scientifically prove God. However, when you come back and ask them to scientifically prove Abraham Lincoln, they'll realize there are some things that do or did exist that they cannot prove scientifically. You read in history books about Abraham Lincoln, you hear eye-witnesses through generations, etc, and you know Abraham Lincoln existed. It's the same thing with Jesus Christ, and with those who experienced the power of God.
#3 - Leave Personal Attacks Out.
As a Christian, you need to expect people to attack you personally for your beliefs. If you say you believe homosexuality is a sin, expect people to call you the nastiest of names and start cussing you out and claiming you to be hateful. To this, you respond with your Biblical, historical, scientific, and logical evidence and thinking. You do not respond with personal attacks. No insults. Never, ever, ever respond in anything similar to this: "My faith is blind? Are you atheists too stupid to listen? Evidence is all around you, morons. If you don't know what you're talking about, just shut up and don't say anything." Subconsciously, they want you to do this. They're waiting for you to slip. They're looking for you to argue on their level. If they insult you, it's usually because they do not have the resources to argue back. Make sure you stay the intelligent one. Personal attacks are one of the worst testimonies to Christianity. Avoid it.
#4 - Study Your Opponent's Argument Carefully.
Most of the ones who continue to debate with you are not dumb people. They're lost people, but they're not dumb. They're very smart people and they've studied their argument well. They know their biology, they know their history, and they know how to ask questions. They will counteract your argument with valid logical points. Listen to their argument carefully and answer accordingly. Don't answer with a point that's not in the argument, and if possible, try to answer every major point they give. If you do not know something at the time and you are debating face to face, simply say, "I don't know that level of science (or whatever), but if you give me time, I will study on it and see if I can find that your point is absolutely correct." Then study it - you will usually find something you can counteract it with. Keep it in mind for your next debate. If you do not know something and you're online, research it before you answer.
#5 - Look For A Debate.
Practice makes perfect. If you study all this stuff and you only save it for when someone someday decides to walk up to you and challenge you, guess what? You might not remember half of it when that day comes. It's good to rehearse these situations in your mind, but even better than that, once you have your evidence, purposely look for a debate. This is not the same as "looking for a fight." You're not doing this to be offensive and to cause someone to be angry. Go online and find websites with forums where people can state their opinions. If someone states their points on why abortion is a good thing for women to do, answer them with your points. If someone says, "I don't believe in God, prove God exists," answer them. This is not looking for a fight, this is defending your faith. This is standing up for your God. This is telling the world, "I am a Christian and I am not ashamed of it. I am bold, I am brave, and I am ready for anything you want to throw at me. Go ahead - I'll throw it right back." Here's a Dodgeball analogy (I love to use analogies, and you should too, they help emphasize your point and put it in terms that are easier to understand): when your opposer chucks the ball at you, you're not going to cower and duck from it, neither are you going to get hit without any way to protect yourself. Instead you will catch it and you will chuck it back at them, whether they're ready or not. More likely than not, you'll hit them unprotected.
So here are some points to help you defend your faith. I hope you will never be accused of having blind faith. In fact, your opposer may even compliment you - a few of the people I have debated with have told me I am a very intelligent young woman and that I should never stop researching and asking questions.
So are you ready for your opposition?
Have you ever been challenged about your faith? Has an atheist or an agnostic ever asked you to prove God? What did you do? Did you blush, step back, and stammer, "I-I don't know, it's just what I believe"? Or did you have a comeback for them? Unfortunately most of the people I know respond the first way. This is not a good testimony to your Christian faith. This tells people, "Christians just believe blindly" which we should not be accused of.
Online I have been in quite a few debates like that. And you know what? Someone challenges my Christianity and I answer their argument. I believe what I believe and I can back it up. You know what happens? Most of the time they don't expect this and they either don't talk to me again or they insult me and say something like, "There is no God!" but it's only because I've just insulted their intelligence. I gave good evidence supporting my Christianity and they don't have any evidence that they're prepared with to fight back. So they insult me and decide to ignore my statement. I don't care. I've made my point. I've done my job. It's not my fault they can't answer back.
Occasionally, though, I get those that continue to debate with me, answering my argument with an argument of their own, to which I will proceed to counteract their argument.
I'm telling you right now, when you become a true Christian, whether you are a teenager or a Christian parent trying to teach your kids about God, you need to know how to defend your Christianity. You need to know how to survive a debate against your Christianity and defend yourself until there is nowhere else to go - and usually for me this happens on the challenger's side. If you do not know how to defend your Christianity, you are giving Christianity a bad name. Christians should not be ignorant bashful people who have blind faith.
So how do you survive and win a debate against Christianity? Here are some steps:
#1 - Know God's Word.
By this, I do not mean "know the major stories." People are not going to challenge you on David, or Joseph, or Samson, or Abraham. You should know these stories, mind you, but they will not help in a debate. They help after the person has become a Christian and they can see the faith of God's chosen in the old days. Read the Bible thoroughly and memorize certain scriptures, or at least the general area where they are and what they say. People will likely ask you things like, "God created gay people, so why is He opposed to them?", "Where in the Bible does it mention abortion?", and "How could a loving God send good people to hell?" These are scriptural questions. You need to have scripture to back them up. For example, for the first question, Romans 1:26-27 says that God gave the people over to their "shameful lusts", that man lied with man and were "punished for their perversion." Obviously this states God did not create gay people. Homosexuality is a sin and God did not create humans to sin. Humans sinned on their own. You should know the general area of this and what it says. You should also use some common sense. The word "abortion" is not used anywhere in the Bible. However, in Psalm 139, David talks about how God had a plan for him even while he was in the womb, how he was "fearfully and wonderfully made." If God has purposes for us all and we are "fearfully and wonderfully made," He obviously is pro-life. So know the scriptures. Memorize spots where you're pretty sure people will challenge you. Common areas are homosexuality, abortion, and the justice of God (ex. "How could a loving God do...").
#2 - Know Your Logical, Historical, And Scientific Evidence.
Knowing the Bible is essential for debate - but unfortunately, you need more than just that to defend yourself. 98% of all agnostics (and 100% of atheists) believe the Word of God is just a book of holes anyway - Scriptures are essential for when they ask what God thinks about a certain subject. When they say the Bible is full of holes, guess what? You need logical evidence, historical evidence, and scientific evidence to back up that it is, in fact, the Holy Word of God and it is to be trusted. You need to know why abortion is wrong other than "God doesn't like it." You need to back up Intelligent Design. You do this by finding out the good points of your argument, and the flaws in your opponents argument. You also need to know what areas they will challenge you on your argument. For example, "A fetus is part of a woman's body, so she has a right to get rid of it." You need to know what to say to that. Use logic. Use historical evidence. Use scientific evidence. Once you back up your point, those who will continue to debate with you are logically-minded and will oppose you using science. I'm telling you this is true, so you need to know how to back yourself up with science and logic. Study it. Know why your beliefs are true and know how to counteract your opponent's argument.
Note: This is ESSENTIAL when people ask you to "prove God." They're smug, because they know you cannot scientifically prove God. However, when you come back and ask them to scientifically prove Abraham Lincoln, they'll realize there are some things that do or did exist that they cannot prove scientifically. You read in history books about Abraham Lincoln, you hear eye-witnesses through generations, etc, and you know Abraham Lincoln existed. It's the same thing with Jesus Christ, and with those who experienced the power of God.
#3 - Leave Personal Attacks Out.
As a Christian, you need to expect people to attack you personally for your beliefs. If you say you believe homosexuality is a sin, expect people to call you the nastiest of names and start cussing you out and claiming you to be hateful. To this, you respond with your Biblical, historical, scientific, and logical evidence and thinking. You do not respond with personal attacks. No insults. Never, ever, ever respond in anything similar to this: "My faith is blind? Are you atheists too stupid to listen? Evidence is all around you, morons. If you don't know what you're talking about, just shut up and don't say anything." Subconsciously, they want you to do this. They're waiting for you to slip. They're looking for you to argue on their level. If they insult you, it's usually because they do not have the resources to argue back. Make sure you stay the intelligent one. Personal attacks are one of the worst testimonies to Christianity. Avoid it.
#4 - Study Your Opponent's Argument Carefully.
Most of the ones who continue to debate with you are not dumb people. They're lost people, but they're not dumb. They're very smart people and they've studied their argument well. They know their biology, they know their history, and they know how to ask questions. They will counteract your argument with valid logical points. Listen to their argument carefully and answer accordingly. Don't answer with a point that's not in the argument, and if possible, try to answer every major point they give. If you do not know something at the time and you are debating face to face, simply say, "I don't know that level of science (or whatever), but if you give me time, I will study on it and see if I can find that your point is absolutely correct." Then study it - you will usually find something you can counteract it with. Keep it in mind for your next debate. If you do not know something and you're online, research it before you answer.
#5 - Look For A Debate.
Practice makes perfect. If you study all this stuff and you only save it for when someone someday decides to walk up to you and challenge you, guess what? You might not remember half of it when that day comes. It's good to rehearse these situations in your mind, but even better than that, once you have your evidence, purposely look for a debate. This is not the same as "looking for a fight." You're not doing this to be offensive and to cause someone to be angry. Go online and find websites with forums where people can state their opinions. If someone states their points on why abortion is a good thing for women to do, answer them with your points. If someone says, "I don't believe in God, prove God exists," answer them. This is not looking for a fight, this is defending your faith. This is standing up for your God. This is telling the world, "I am a Christian and I am not ashamed of it. I am bold, I am brave, and I am ready for anything you want to throw at me. Go ahead - I'll throw it right back." Here's a Dodgeball analogy (I love to use analogies, and you should too, they help emphasize your point and put it in terms that are easier to understand): when your opposer chucks the ball at you, you're not going to cower and duck from it, neither are you going to get hit without any way to protect yourself. Instead you will catch it and you will chuck it back at them, whether they're ready or not. More likely than not, you'll hit them unprotected.
So here are some points to help you defend your faith. I hope you will never be accused of having blind faith. In fact, your opposer may even compliment you - a few of the people I have debated with have told me I am a very intelligent young woman and that I should never stop researching and asking questions.
So are you ready for your opposition?
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
A question...any advice?
I'm not really stuck in a bad situation. In fact, I'm rather content with the way things are right now. Works well for me. But I need some insight on this situation, just to make sure there's nothing iffy about it. Opinions are welcome.
Situation - my guy friend has recently been "bitten by the lovebug" for a girl at his school. I'm excited and happy for him - he is a very Godly gentleman who has kept himself pure, and it looks like he's picked out a very nice girl. However, I happen to be his best friend - and of course I'm a female. I'm 110% happy being his best friend - he trusts me the most with his secrets and feels comfortable talking to me about anything - including the girl he likes. I'm #1 on his MySpace list.
My question is, is this alright? He just asked this girl out, but I know he's not going to drop his friendship with me because that's all he sees me as - and vice versa. Do I need to back off for this girl? I don't flirt or anything, but how do things work when a guy has a girlfriend and a best friend who's also a girl?
Situation - my guy friend has recently been "bitten by the lovebug" for a girl at his school. I'm excited and happy for him - he is a very Godly gentleman who has kept himself pure, and it looks like he's picked out a very nice girl. However, I happen to be his best friend - and of course I'm a female. I'm 110% happy being his best friend - he trusts me the most with his secrets and feels comfortable talking to me about anything - including the girl he likes. I'm #1 on his MySpace list.
My question is, is this alright? He just asked this girl out, but I know he's not going to drop his friendship with me because that's all he sees me as - and vice versa. Do I need to back off for this girl? I don't flirt or anything, but how do things work when a guy has a girlfriend and a best friend who's also a girl?
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Sweet 16
This time in my life has been much anticipated for several years - the day I became 16 years old. (Which will officially occur on the 3rd). When I was little, I'd dream about how I'd look at age 16, and really I'd fantasize about it. The main thing was, at age 16 you were entitled to become pretty. It was just a given. When you turn 16, you're beautiful.
As I got older, the advantages that were promised for my 16th birthday excited me the most. At 16, you can drive (which I can only drive with a permit right now, but I can drive). I could also start wearing makeup, something I wished so badly I could do when I was 13, and nowadays I usually just apply some mascara and lip gloss and I'm good to go.
The biggest thing, though, was the fact that I could date at age 16. At age 11, it felt way too far away. Dating was my biggest focus. In all honesty, I was probably obsessed with it. It consumed my mind all the time. It led me to *almost* do some really stupid things, an example being where I nearly gave my first kiss away at age 12. (Today, I personally think 12 is way too young to be kissing).
I'm proud of myself right now, though. In two days, at 9:07pm, I'm going to pump my fists in the air and shriek, "Sweet 16 and never been kissed!" Because for me, it is an accomplishment. In a world where dating begins in kindergarten, kissing begins at 12, and the entire virginity is lost at 16, the fact that I am pure in every sense of the word is a big deal to me. It means I walked against the wind. I faced all the world's attacks and I won. The temptation was strong. I had the opportunity to date boys behind my parents' backs. If I really set my mind to it, I could've kissed a boy before now. But my parents said no dating until age 16, and I have not dated nor done anything else (kissing, cuddling, even holding hands) before then. I am completely pure. I am Sweet 16 and I have never been kissed and that sets me apart from most of the teenage world.
In all honesty, I'm not even sure I'm going to be kissed this year, and that's fine. It's not a meaningless thing that you just give away because you're allowed to now. I'll give it away when I know the time is right, whenever that is. I am a symbol of purity and I will be treated as such. I will not let someone steal it, nor will I give it away foolishly.
Anyhow, now that my thoughts on Sweet 16 are done, I'll give a brief overview of my Sweet 16th party, which I celebrated today. To say it was the best birthday party in my entire life is an understatement. It was absolutely incredible.
After waking up waaay late (I'm wondering if my parents let me sleep in or if they just forgot), taking a shower, and having a driving lesson with Dad, we started putting up the decorations. Because Sweet 16 is a big deal to me and it only comes around once, we went all out. We had balloons, streamers, banners, confetti, little spiral things that hang from the ceiling...the works. We completed it at the last minute - literally. Two minutes after we finished, the doorbell rang. I'd invited four of my closest friends, Beau, Katie, Porsha, and Lauren. Lauren called last minute to say she couldn't make it, but everything turned out alright.
When my friends arrived, I had my iHome playing music (mostly from all the different musicals I have on my iPod), and my friends and I had some cool conversations while we ate some of the candy we way overstocked on for Halloween. At 5:30, Mom called us in for dinner (she slaved away for almost 2 hours making the meal, because of course she's the best Mom ever... and you can't have her). She made baked pasta with cheese, fettucini, foccacia, French bread, salad...yummy. We had some nice conversations about what we wanted to do after we graduated, bad hotel experiences, and old Chinese torture methods over dinner. (Don't ask). Then Mom served the creampuffs - my favorite dessert which I only get on my birthday - and everyone sang Happy Birthday despite my protests. Still, I was so happy that I blew out the candle and forgot to make a wish. I guess I didn't need to.
Then some family friends stopped over and we talked with them for a little while. It was nice to see them. Then my friends and I all gathered in the living room to play the board game "Nightmare." You probably have never heard of this game - there's nothing like it. There is an interactive video you play with the board game. As the title of the game suggests, it's a game that's meant to scare the living pinfeathers out of you, which is what makes it so fun. You turn the lights down and the volume up, and you play the game with "the Gatekeeper," who appears randomly with a roll of thunder and plays his games with you. Your goal is to play in a certain way to not only beat your opponents, but to beat the Gatekeeper as well.
"Nightmare" was the highlight of the evening. The first time the Gatekeeper interrupted the clock and yelled, "STOP!", my friends and I all screamed, even Beau. We could not stop laughing and trembling through the rest of the game, jumping every time the Gatekeeper appeared. After the hour-long game was finished, the first thing Katie said was, "We need to take this on our next youth group retreat!" She even asked to borrow it sometime soon so her family could play it. It was incredible. We all had a blast.
After I opened presents and we took a few pictures, it was time for everyone to head home - and nobody wanted to leave. Unfortunately it was dark and time to get home, so I hugged them all goodbye and they left, still laughing about the "Nightmare" game.
So, my Sweet 16th party turned out better than I ever hoped it would. I'm not a fan of those big "invite everybody in the neighborhood" parties because my experience is, someone always gets left out and that person was usually me at those parties. So I wanted something small so we could be more intimate and personal, but still fun, and this was everything I wanted. It was amazing.
Thank You, God, for this amazing day. Thank You for letting me experience everything, and thank You for letting me stay pure this long. May I always live purely, and may I shine for You each and every day.
As I got older, the advantages that were promised for my 16th birthday excited me the most. At 16, you can drive (which I can only drive with a permit right now, but I can drive). I could also start wearing makeup, something I wished so badly I could do when I was 13, and nowadays I usually just apply some mascara and lip gloss and I'm good to go.
The biggest thing, though, was the fact that I could date at age 16. At age 11, it felt way too far away. Dating was my biggest focus. In all honesty, I was probably obsessed with it. It consumed my mind all the time. It led me to *almost* do some really stupid things, an example being where I nearly gave my first kiss away at age 12. (Today, I personally think 12 is way too young to be kissing).
I'm proud of myself right now, though. In two days, at 9:07pm, I'm going to pump my fists in the air and shriek, "Sweet 16 and never been kissed!" Because for me, it is an accomplishment. In a world where dating begins in kindergarten, kissing begins at 12, and the entire virginity is lost at 16, the fact that I am pure in every sense of the word is a big deal to me. It means I walked against the wind. I faced all the world's attacks and I won. The temptation was strong. I had the opportunity to date boys behind my parents' backs. If I really set my mind to it, I could've kissed a boy before now. But my parents said no dating until age 16, and I have not dated nor done anything else (kissing, cuddling, even holding hands) before then. I am completely pure. I am Sweet 16 and I have never been kissed and that sets me apart from most of the teenage world.
In all honesty, I'm not even sure I'm going to be kissed this year, and that's fine. It's not a meaningless thing that you just give away because you're allowed to now. I'll give it away when I know the time is right, whenever that is. I am a symbol of purity and I will be treated as such. I will not let someone steal it, nor will I give it away foolishly.
Anyhow, now that my thoughts on Sweet 16 are done, I'll give a brief overview of my Sweet 16th party, which I celebrated today. To say it was the best birthday party in my entire life is an understatement. It was absolutely incredible.
After waking up waaay late (I'm wondering if my parents let me sleep in or if they just forgot), taking a shower, and having a driving lesson with Dad, we started putting up the decorations. Because Sweet 16 is a big deal to me and it only comes around once, we went all out. We had balloons, streamers, banners, confetti, little spiral things that hang from the ceiling...the works. We completed it at the last minute - literally. Two minutes after we finished, the doorbell rang. I'd invited four of my closest friends, Beau, Katie, Porsha, and Lauren. Lauren called last minute to say she couldn't make it, but everything turned out alright.
When my friends arrived, I had my iHome playing music (mostly from all the different musicals I have on my iPod), and my friends and I had some cool conversations while we ate some of the candy we way overstocked on for Halloween. At 5:30, Mom called us in for dinner (she slaved away for almost 2 hours making the meal, because of course she's the best Mom ever... and you can't have her). She made baked pasta with cheese, fettucini, foccacia, French bread, salad...yummy. We had some nice conversations about what we wanted to do after we graduated, bad hotel experiences, and old Chinese torture methods over dinner. (Don't ask). Then Mom served the creampuffs - my favorite dessert which I only get on my birthday - and everyone sang Happy Birthday despite my protests. Still, I was so happy that I blew out the candle and forgot to make a wish. I guess I didn't need to.
Then some family friends stopped over and we talked with them for a little while. It was nice to see them. Then my friends and I all gathered in the living room to play the board game "Nightmare." You probably have never heard of this game - there's nothing like it. There is an interactive video you play with the board game. As the title of the game suggests, it's a game that's meant to scare the living pinfeathers out of you, which is what makes it so fun. You turn the lights down and the volume up, and you play the game with "the Gatekeeper," who appears randomly with a roll of thunder and plays his games with you. Your goal is to play in a certain way to not only beat your opponents, but to beat the Gatekeeper as well.
"Nightmare" was the highlight of the evening. The first time the Gatekeeper interrupted the clock and yelled, "STOP!", my friends and I all screamed, even Beau. We could not stop laughing and trembling through the rest of the game, jumping every time the Gatekeeper appeared. After the hour-long game was finished, the first thing Katie said was, "We need to take this on our next youth group retreat!" She even asked to borrow it sometime soon so her family could play it. It was incredible. We all had a blast.
After I opened presents and we took a few pictures, it was time for everyone to head home - and nobody wanted to leave. Unfortunately it was dark and time to get home, so I hugged them all goodbye and they left, still laughing about the "Nightmare" game.
So, my Sweet 16th party turned out better than I ever hoped it would. I'm not a fan of those big "invite everybody in the neighborhood" parties because my experience is, someone always gets left out and that person was usually me at those parties. So I wanted something small so we could be more intimate and personal, but still fun, and this was everything I wanted. It was amazing.
Thank You, God, for this amazing day. Thank You for letting me experience everything, and thank You for letting me stay pure this long. May I always live purely, and may I shine for You each and every day.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Hidden addiction
Last Sunday was a great day. My youth group (called Refuge) had their official "kick off" ceremony (even though we'd started up a few weeks before). They decided to theme it after the Olympics. It was great. We split off into teams, created flags, and named our own countries/people (my team was named the "Peculiars"..I came up with it myself). We shot basketballs, had a "suck-the-jello-out-of-a-bottle" contest, matching up Bible verses and completing a jigsaw Bible verse puzzle, a wild variation of volleyball, and an obstacle course, to name a few "events". (My youth group always comes up with uber-crazy activities to do...but that's okay, most of the kids at my youth group are uber-crazy themselves). Afterwards we cooked hot dogs by a fire, went for hayrides, even had a ceremonial couch-burning (it was an old couch). It was an exciting day for me.
However, I'd noticed a guy friend of mine looking pretty down. He tried to hide it, but frequently he would just stare off into space and misery would cloud over his face. Seeing as he's a pretty laidback carefree guy, I only assumed one thing: something happened between he and his girlfriend.
It really made me feel upset too. Somehow his hurt transferred over to me. I asked him a couple times if he was okay and he said yes. I decided not to push it beyond that. Guys don't typically like to talk about emotions, and he's the kind where, once he decides he's not going to tell you, you'd have better luck getting an answer from a brick wall. He keeps himself very closed, which drives me nuts because I love to help people. Compassion is one of my gifts. When other people hurt, I hurt, and it stays until I know they feel better. Almost every one of my friends comes to me when they have to talk about something deep (both girls and guys alike). They know I listen well and give the best advice (which is the result of God speaking through me, not me speaking through myself...sometimes I don't even remember the advice I gave them, yet it made their entire day). They know I care and I don't listen to secrets just so I have the knowledge. If a secret needs to be kept, they know I will keep it. I have established that kind of a reputation.
However, I am still guilty of indulging in something most teen girls (and even older women) are addicted to. It's not alcohol. It's not drugs. It's not cigarettes. It's not sex.
It's gossip.
Now you may think that clashes with my statement up there, but there are actually 3 kinds of gossips: the ones who spread it, the ones who listen to it, and the ones who do both. I happen to be guilty of being the second kind of gossip, the one who doesn't spread it and doesn't tell other people's secrets, but definitely wants to know what they are.
This treads a fine line with me because I don't like to hear gossip to "be in the know," per se. I really do want to help people, and if I understand what's going on about them better, then I can help them better. If I know what's really wrong with my guy friend, then I can sympathize and talk to him about it. I can really be there for him. I can really understand him.
It's still wrong though. The book of Proverbs hammers this in several chapters. "A gossip spreads secrets." "A gossip's words are like choice morsels: they go down to a man's inmost parts." "A gossip cannot be trusted." It doesn't say, "Gossip is okay if you mean to help the other person." I have to constantly remind myself that, if the person wants me to help them, they will come to me and tell me what's going on. I do not need to be learning from another source.
Last Sunday was great...until the hayride. I was squeezed between another guy friend and a girl who's a notorious gossip. My depressed guy friend was sitting about five or six people away, staring into the distance. I could see my other guy friend and the girl next to me staring at him. I knew they would say something.
And they did. Immediately secrets I'd never heard before came pouring out. Conflicts. Set ups. Jealousy. I heard it all. At first, I thought, "Oh, how horrible. No wonder he's upset. Now i get it." But as the talk continued, this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach appeared. Suddenly I began to feel miserable. I began to feel embarrassed. I began to feel guilty. The voice in my soul urged me, "Speak up now. Speak up now." The voice was so strong. I opened my mouth...
..and then closed it again. I let them talk. I kept listening. I felt defeated, but I still didn't speak up. Finally someone else asked what they were talking about. My guy friend said, "Oh, just gossiping." My voice came out weak as I said, "Which we should probably stop." My friend and the other girl agreed, but by then, it was too late. I'd pretty much heard the entire story. I wish so bad that I would've spoken up. I remember glancing at my guy friend, the topic of the gossip, as secrets were being spilled about him. He was still looking away. Now I can only imagine how he would've felt if he'd heard everything that was said about him behind his back - and how I, his friend, did not speak up for him.
Since that moment, I have prayed for God's forgiveness and for His help to stand up next time. I know that I have no problem with spreading gossip, but I have a horrible addiction to listening to it. It's wrong. It's just as bad an addiction as alcohol or drugs - only with alcohol and drugs, you're mostly destroying yourself. With gossip, you're mostly destroying other people. You're using words that they didn't give you permission to use about them. You're taking their secrets and "confiding" in other people just to show what you know. There's a Proverb that goes, "A gossip separates close friends." That goes for both the spreader and the listener. If you do not stand up for your friend while they are being gossiped about, what kind of friend are you? You're just as much a backstabber as the spreader.
Dear Lord, may the guilt I felt on Sunday always be a reminder to not associate with gossip. I will never forget how guilty and how terrible I felt after listening to all of that, and I know that the Holy Spirit was working in me that day. Please let me stand up for my friends and put a stop to gossip before it reaches my ears. Let me not listen to anything I should not be listening to. Help me to be trustworthy. Help me to be the greatest friend I can be. Help me not to engage in gossip.
Amen.
However, I'd noticed a guy friend of mine looking pretty down. He tried to hide it, but frequently he would just stare off into space and misery would cloud over his face. Seeing as he's a pretty laidback carefree guy, I only assumed one thing: something happened between he and his girlfriend.
It really made me feel upset too. Somehow his hurt transferred over to me. I asked him a couple times if he was okay and he said yes. I decided not to push it beyond that. Guys don't typically like to talk about emotions, and he's the kind where, once he decides he's not going to tell you, you'd have better luck getting an answer from a brick wall. He keeps himself very closed, which drives me nuts because I love to help people. Compassion is one of my gifts. When other people hurt, I hurt, and it stays until I know they feel better. Almost every one of my friends comes to me when they have to talk about something deep (both girls and guys alike). They know I listen well and give the best advice (which is the result of God speaking through me, not me speaking through myself...sometimes I don't even remember the advice I gave them, yet it made their entire day). They know I care and I don't listen to secrets just so I have the knowledge. If a secret needs to be kept, they know I will keep it. I have established that kind of a reputation.
However, I am still guilty of indulging in something most teen girls (and even older women) are addicted to. It's not alcohol. It's not drugs. It's not cigarettes. It's not sex.
It's gossip.
Now you may think that clashes with my statement up there, but there are actually 3 kinds of gossips: the ones who spread it, the ones who listen to it, and the ones who do both. I happen to be guilty of being the second kind of gossip, the one who doesn't spread it and doesn't tell other people's secrets, but definitely wants to know what they are.
This treads a fine line with me because I don't like to hear gossip to "be in the know," per se. I really do want to help people, and if I understand what's going on about them better, then I can help them better. If I know what's really wrong with my guy friend, then I can sympathize and talk to him about it. I can really be there for him. I can really understand him.
It's still wrong though. The book of Proverbs hammers this in several chapters. "A gossip spreads secrets." "A gossip's words are like choice morsels: they go down to a man's inmost parts." "A gossip cannot be trusted." It doesn't say, "Gossip is okay if you mean to help the other person." I have to constantly remind myself that, if the person wants me to help them, they will come to me and tell me what's going on. I do not need to be learning from another source.
Last Sunday was great...until the hayride. I was squeezed between another guy friend and a girl who's a notorious gossip. My depressed guy friend was sitting about five or six people away, staring into the distance. I could see my other guy friend and the girl next to me staring at him. I knew they would say something.
And they did. Immediately secrets I'd never heard before came pouring out. Conflicts. Set ups. Jealousy. I heard it all. At first, I thought, "Oh, how horrible. No wonder he's upset. Now i get it." But as the talk continued, this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach appeared. Suddenly I began to feel miserable. I began to feel embarrassed. I began to feel guilty. The voice in my soul urged me, "Speak up now. Speak up now." The voice was so strong. I opened my mouth...
..and then closed it again. I let them talk. I kept listening. I felt defeated, but I still didn't speak up. Finally someone else asked what they were talking about. My guy friend said, "Oh, just gossiping." My voice came out weak as I said, "Which we should probably stop." My friend and the other girl agreed, but by then, it was too late. I'd pretty much heard the entire story. I wish so bad that I would've spoken up. I remember glancing at my guy friend, the topic of the gossip, as secrets were being spilled about him. He was still looking away. Now I can only imagine how he would've felt if he'd heard everything that was said about him behind his back - and how I, his friend, did not speak up for him.
Since that moment, I have prayed for God's forgiveness and for His help to stand up next time. I know that I have no problem with spreading gossip, but I have a horrible addiction to listening to it. It's wrong. It's just as bad an addiction as alcohol or drugs - only with alcohol and drugs, you're mostly destroying yourself. With gossip, you're mostly destroying other people. You're using words that they didn't give you permission to use about them. You're taking their secrets and "confiding" in other people just to show what you know. There's a Proverb that goes, "A gossip separates close friends." That goes for both the spreader and the listener. If you do not stand up for your friend while they are being gossiped about, what kind of friend are you? You're just as much a backstabber as the spreader.
Dear Lord, may the guilt I felt on Sunday always be a reminder to not associate with gossip. I will never forget how guilty and how terrible I felt after listening to all of that, and I know that the Holy Spirit was working in me that day. Please let me stand up for my friends and put a stop to gossip before it reaches my ears. Let me not listen to anything I should not be listening to. Help me to be trustworthy. Help me to be the greatest friend I can be. Help me not to engage in gossip.
Amen.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
A Letter From The Heart - 9/29/08
Dear God,
I know You can read my heart and hear my prayers, but for me, right now I really need to get this prayer to You down on paper. For one thing, I really express myself with words, for another, I may need to read this letter later when I inevitably fall into the same misery.
I've always known the verse, "Delight inthe Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Obviously You know the desire of my heart: love and affection from a man. Now You know I'm not weak and needy and I don't need a boyfriend to be confident or happy and whatnot. My confidence comes from you (otherwise I ain't got any). I am who I am because of You. You are everything. You are amazing. And I don't need a boy to "complete" me because I am already completed in You. I know that.
Still, You do see the desire of my heart. I am almost 16 years old and I have never held hands, been asked out, anything. Sometimes I wonder if I'm attractive to anyone. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not pretty and that's why no one's responding to me. I won't lie (You'd know if I did anyway): I'd love to feel the warmth of a kiss. I've never gotten one. It gets so difficult sometimes because I have always wanted this, I have always had this desire for intimacy with a guy.
Of course I'm not shallow and I don't want a shallow relationship. I want a man after Your heart (darn, are those dudes attractive). A man who lives boldly and out loud for You...wow. I couldn't imagine settling for someone who's not seeking and following You.
But I do want that intimacy. Tonight was really hard. It overwhelmed me. I know You can see my heart. It hurt. Particularly because I do delight in You and I was unhappy that Your timing for my heart's desire was taking too long for me. This is seriously everything I long for on this earth, that kind of love and affection from a guy.
Then I grabbed 3 Bibles: my Teen Study one, a KJV one, and the NIV my Dad got for me. And I found Psalm 37, which has that "delight in the Lord" verse. I read the whole thing through slowly, letting it all sink in.
Alright. You got me, Lord. You got me. Again. There are 3 verses that stood out for me: "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart...be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."
So, God, I know You revealed stuff to me (like how it helps to read the entire chapter instead of just a verse...I know You're laughing and saying "duh"). First of all, I need to trust in You, which is something I admit I don't take seriously half the time. I mean, I trust You, but then I get antsy cuz Your timing isn't what I want it to be. That's not trust. I looked it up, the definition of "trust" is "reliance on another." I have to rely on You. I have trust issues, but that's my problem. You always keep Your promises, and I beg You to destroy these fears in me that tell me somehow You will let me down. It's not about me, God. I really, truly trust You now. It is out of my control. This is all Yours now.
Next, "do good" isn't really that difficult for me. I feel so odd saying that because everyone else seems to struggle with doing the right thing, but...I don't know. It's not real hard for me to stand up for what's right or "do good." My confidence is in You, so I can't fail.
The next verse about dwelling in the land really smacked me because as I read it, it was almost as if the words morphed to apply to my situation before it hit my brain. What I heard was, "Enjoy the safety and the comfort you are living in. You have never had to deal with a bad relationship, breakups, and no boy has even damaged the outer layer of your purity because I have protected you." That's amazing. You have given me a "safe pasture to enjoy."
And of course, the "delight in the Lord" verse I know. But the next one got me. "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him." I once had to practice a vocal song for my music teacher based pretty much on those verses, only it used "rest in the Lord" instead of "be still." But, yeah, I get it now: I must wait for Your timing (I learned that with the Headache Trial way back then, but You know me...I'm so compartmentalized, I learned to wait for Your timing for physical pain...emotional pain is another story). You know what You're doing. You know my life better than I do. I know You will keep Your promise and give me the desire of my heart, but it will be in Your time. In the meantime, I will be still before You and wait patiently.
Funny how I feel oodles better and my heart doesn't hurt anymore - the Bible has a way of solving any problem. God, thanks for writing it for me. I'd honestly be lost without it. And thanks for the different versons - they help me understand some things better.
Thanks for what You did tonight, God. Help me live out what You taught me. I love You. I seriously do.
-Rachel
I know You can read my heart and hear my prayers, but for me, right now I really need to get this prayer to You down on paper. For one thing, I really express myself with words, for another, I may need to read this letter later when I inevitably fall into the same misery.
I've always known the verse, "Delight inthe Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Obviously You know the desire of my heart: love and affection from a man. Now You know I'm not weak and needy and I don't need a boyfriend to be confident or happy and whatnot. My confidence comes from you (otherwise I ain't got any). I am who I am because of You. You are everything. You are amazing. And I don't need a boy to "complete" me because I am already completed in You. I know that.
Still, You do see the desire of my heart. I am almost 16 years old and I have never held hands, been asked out, anything. Sometimes I wonder if I'm attractive to anyone. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not pretty and that's why no one's responding to me. I won't lie (You'd know if I did anyway): I'd love to feel the warmth of a kiss. I've never gotten one. It gets so difficult sometimes because I have always wanted this, I have always had this desire for intimacy with a guy.
Of course I'm not shallow and I don't want a shallow relationship. I want a man after Your heart (darn, are those dudes attractive). A man who lives boldly and out loud for You...wow. I couldn't imagine settling for someone who's not seeking and following You.
But I do want that intimacy. Tonight was really hard. It overwhelmed me. I know You can see my heart. It hurt. Particularly because I do delight in You and I was unhappy that Your timing for my heart's desire was taking too long for me. This is seriously everything I long for on this earth, that kind of love and affection from a guy.
Then I grabbed 3 Bibles: my Teen Study one, a KJV one, and the NIV my Dad got for me. And I found Psalm 37, which has that "delight in the Lord" verse. I read the whole thing through slowly, letting it all sink in.
Alright. You got me, Lord. You got me. Again. There are 3 verses that stood out for me: "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart...be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."
So, God, I know You revealed stuff to me (like how it helps to read the entire chapter instead of just a verse...I know You're laughing and saying "duh"). First of all, I need to trust in You, which is something I admit I don't take seriously half the time. I mean, I trust You, but then I get antsy cuz Your timing isn't what I want it to be. That's not trust. I looked it up, the definition of "trust" is "reliance on another." I have to rely on You. I have trust issues, but that's my problem. You always keep Your promises, and I beg You to destroy these fears in me that tell me somehow You will let me down. It's not about me, God. I really, truly trust You now. It is out of my control. This is all Yours now.
Next, "do good" isn't really that difficult for me. I feel so odd saying that because everyone else seems to struggle with doing the right thing, but...I don't know. It's not real hard for me to stand up for what's right or "do good." My confidence is in You, so I can't fail.
The next verse about dwelling in the land really smacked me because as I read it, it was almost as if the words morphed to apply to my situation before it hit my brain. What I heard was, "Enjoy the safety and the comfort you are living in. You have never had to deal with a bad relationship, breakups, and no boy has even damaged the outer layer of your purity because I have protected you." That's amazing. You have given me a "safe pasture to enjoy."
And of course, the "delight in the Lord" verse I know. But the next one got me. "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him." I once had to practice a vocal song for my music teacher based pretty much on those verses, only it used "rest in the Lord" instead of "be still." But, yeah, I get it now: I must wait for Your timing (I learned that with the Headache Trial way back then, but You know me...I'm so compartmentalized, I learned to wait for Your timing for physical pain...emotional pain is another story). You know what You're doing. You know my life better than I do. I know You will keep Your promise and give me the desire of my heart, but it will be in Your time. In the meantime, I will be still before You and wait patiently.
Funny how I feel oodles better and my heart doesn't hurt anymore - the Bible has a way of solving any problem. God, thanks for writing it for me. I'd honestly be lost without it. And thanks for the different versons - they help me understand some things better.
Thanks for what You did tonight, God. Help me live out what You taught me. I love You. I seriously do.
-Rachel
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Learning more about myself than I first thought
There I was sitting, on the couch, a miserable expression on my face. My soul was downcast. My heart was ripping. I felt like the world was about to end. Oh, how I would throw myself off the nearest bridge if I could. The torture, the pain, the sadness. All too much for me to bear.
"Ah, the tragedy of unrequitted love," you sigh for me.
"Why, no," I would reply. "It's the tragedy of algebra."
Algebra is indeed a tragedy for me. I cannot stand the subject (nor can I stand geography and biology, so you may be hearing about those later). I don't get it, nor do I get why I need to learn it. I'm going to be a music major. True, there is math in music. For instance, you have to count beats. How difficult...for a kindergartener.
Mom tries to shoot me this phony baloney about, "You'll need it in adulthood." Then I ask her for some help on a particular concept, she stares at it for a while, then says, "I don't know" and goes to fetch the teacher's manual.
Obviously if Mom used it throughout her adult life, it would still be fresh in her brain, correct? So why do I have to learn it? "It makes you well-rounded." I want to be a musician, not a nuclear scientist, do I need to know algebra and plotting lines on graphs? "No, but it's good for you." Why do I need to do it? "To get into college."
Whoever came up with that standard should be shot.
"I think you have a little bit of a perfectionist streak in you," Mom tells me.
"I do not," I say as tears well up in my eyes because I'm not getting a concept I'd already learned.
Yes, it does frustrate me that I seem to be getting more B's than A's right now. Mom tells me I should either suck it up or figure out how to work for those A's.
But I don't wanna work for them, I want them to come naturally like they always did.
My mind flashes back to when I was 10-years-old. I wrote angrily in my diary, "Dear Diary, I HATE TODAY!! I forgot how to do my double-digit multiplication!"
Oh lordy, why did those days have to end?
Sure, I got aggravated, but I always got A's. It just came naturally. No matter what subject, I just got A's. It was guaranteed (except botany in 4th grade, in which I failed the entire subject with a resounding F). It irritates me that I can't just make A's naturally anymore. I have to work to get my A's now.
I have learned more about myself from this, although I didn't know there was anything else about me to learn. It is true I have a laidback, optimistic, easy-going personality when it comes to most things. I keep a level head in times of panic so I always remember what to do, I can take on surprise situations, I'm the most patient of my family (you ought to see how they stir while waiting for the Internet server to come up 30 seconds after they click it while I simply wait it out, because it's not a big deal, I know it'll come up eventually). I also drive my little brother (who's a little on the pessimistic side) insane with my philosophies. (Example: he wants to throw his Nintendo controller out the window, rip his bed apart, and smash his fist through the TV screen when Mario doesn't jump for the 80th time, and then he wants to rip me apart when I tell him, "It's just a game, besides you can always try again.").
For that reason, I have always denied the fact that I have a perfectionist streak in me. My insides would moan, "Nooo! It's not true!" But I have to accept the fact now that, yes, it is. When it comes to my grades and my music, I am extremely perfectionistic. (Is that a word?) And the thing is, I hate perfectionism (I don't think that's a word either). It drives me nuts when people want things absolutely perfect. My Dad is an extreme perfectionist and it drives me nuts. My little brother is also a perfectionist, and when you mix it with pessimism, that's a double whammy. It seems to me his video games are what makes him the angriest, but he still insists on playing them and I don't get it.
So why do the school subjects I'm not so good at irritate me so much? Because I hate perfectionism and when it comes to those subjects, I'm a perfectionist. I get so irritated at myself because I know it's not a big deal, it's just a math test, a B is a good grade. But I want it to be perfect! And then my other side says, But I hate perfectionists!
This conflict is going to drive me insane until I graduate college and don't have to worry about grades. It's good to finally understand why algebra and biology and geography bother me so much. I might be able to think of a counterattack now.
Which brings me to prayer....
"Ah, the tragedy of unrequitted love," you sigh for me.
"Why, no," I would reply. "It's the tragedy of algebra."
Algebra is indeed a tragedy for me. I cannot stand the subject (nor can I stand geography and biology, so you may be hearing about those later). I don't get it, nor do I get why I need to learn it. I'm going to be a music major. True, there is math in music. For instance, you have to count beats. How difficult...for a kindergartener.
Mom tries to shoot me this phony baloney about, "You'll need it in adulthood." Then I ask her for some help on a particular concept, she stares at it for a while, then says, "I don't know" and goes to fetch the teacher's manual.
Obviously if Mom used it throughout her adult life, it would still be fresh in her brain, correct? So why do I have to learn it? "It makes you well-rounded." I want to be a musician, not a nuclear scientist, do I need to know algebra and plotting lines on graphs? "No, but it's good for you." Why do I need to do it? "To get into college."
Whoever came up with that standard should be shot.
"I think you have a little bit of a perfectionist streak in you," Mom tells me.
"I do not," I say as tears well up in my eyes because I'm not getting a concept I'd already learned.
Yes, it does frustrate me that I seem to be getting more B's than A's right now. Mom tells me I should either suck it up or figure out how to work for those A's.
But I don't wanna work for them, I want them to come naturally like they always did.
My mind flashes back to when I was 10-years-old. I wrote angrily in my diary, "Dear Diary, I HATE TODAY!! I forgot how to do my double-digit multiplication!"
Oh lordy, why did those days have to end?
Sure, I got aggravated, but I always got A's. It just came naturally. No matter what subject, I just got A's. It was guaranteed (except botany in 4th grade, in which I failed the entire subject with a resounding F). It irritates me that I can't just make A's naturally anymore. I have to work to get my A's now.
I have learned more about myself from this, although I didn't know there was anything else about me to learn. It is true I have a laidback, optimistic, easy-going personality when it comes to most things. I keep a level head in times of panic so I always remember what to do, I can take on surprise situations, I'm the most patient of my family (you ought to see how they stir while waiting for the Internet server to come up 30 seconds after they click it while I simply wait it out, because it's not a big deal, I know it'll come up eventually). I also drive my little brother (who's a little on the pessimistic side) insane with my philosophies. (Example: he wants to throw his Nintendo controller out the window, rip his bed apart, and smash his fist through the TV screen when Mario doesn't jump for the 80th time, and then he wants to rip me apart when I tell him, "It's just a game, besides you can always try again.").
For that reason, I have always denied the fact that I have a perfectionist streak in me. My insides would moan, "Nooo! It's not true!" But I have to accept the fact now that, yes, it is. When it comes to my grades and my music, I am extremely perfectionistic. (Is that a word?) And the thing is, I hate perfectionism (I don't think that's a word either). It drives me nuts when people want things absolutely perfect. My Dad is an extreme perfectionist and it drives me nuts. My little brother is also a perfectionist, and when you mix it with pessimism, that's a double whammy. It seems to me his video games are what makes him the angriest, but he still insists on playing them and I don't get it.
So why do the school subjects I'm not so good at irritate me so much? Because I hate perfectionism and when it comes to those subjects, I'm a perfectionist. I get so irritated at myself because I know it's not a big deal, it's just a math test, a B is a good grade. But I want it to be perfect! And then my other side says, But I hate perfectionists!
This conflict is going to drive me insane until I graduate college and don't have to worry about grades. It's good to finally understand why algebra and biology and geography bother me so much. I might be able to think of a counterattack now.
Which brings me to prayer....
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
One body, many parts
Earlier today during school, I checked my agenda to see what I had next to do. I swallowed as the words "Geography Test" screamed out at me.
1 1/2 weeks into the school year, I have decided that geography is my least favorite subject so far. It just bores me. I'm never going to visit 99% of these countries, so I really don't see the point in being able to know all those teeny tiny countries I've never heard about. I know the general area of these places. You ask me where anything that ends in "stan" is, I know it's in the Middle East.
However, my younger brother (I can't say little brother anymore cuz he's now taller than I am) loves it. It's his favorite. You can ask him where anything is and he'll tell you.
Mom decided to take a little different approach for the geography test (James and I were taking the same test at the same time). She made it into a competitive game. She brought a bell down, placed it on the coffee table, and had me and James stand in the doorway several feet away. I knew I wasn't going to like this. Mom explained the rules: she would ask a question and whoever knew the answer had to ring the bell first and answer it.
Well, this is nice.
Half the stuff I'd learned flew from my mind as the questions were read off. The only couple times I did ring the bell was when James let me out of pity. I didn't enjoy the game at all and I felt frustrated beyond belief when it was finished. Why was my younger brother smarter than me? Why couldn't I grasp geography? Why did he seem like an absolute genius compared to me? And why did Mom pit him against me when she had to know how much better he was than me?
In other words, I felt miserable. I felt stupid. I felt embarrassed for feeling miserable and stupid. Why did it have to be this way?
Then God smacked me over the head. Rachel. Obviously I have not gifted you in geography. I gave you the gift of music. Quit being jealous.
Of course. While James smoked my butt in the geography test, he can retain just as much about music as I can about geography. I don't know which country is Niger, and he doesn't know how many flats are in the B flat scale. I can't remember what the sea in the Atlantic Ocean is (James keeps telling me it's Sargasso, but I keep thinking Sargento...then Mom tells me that's a cheese), and he doesn't know what Adante Moderato means.
The body of Christ has many parts. And I have to get it into my head that I can't be all the parts all at once. Not to say I shouldn't try (because I have to complete geography in order to complete 10th grade), but it's not my best subject and that's okay. God gifted me in music. So I shouldn't have been so selfish during the game. I should've been happy for James - he obviously enjoyed it.
One body. Many parts. Something I think a lot of us have to accept.
1 1/2 weeks into the school year, I have decided that geography is my least favorite subject so far. It just bores me. I'm never going to visit 99% of these countries, so I really don't see the point in being able to know all those teeny tiny countries I've never heard about. I know the general area of these places. You ask me where anything that ends in "stan" is, I know it's in the Middle East.
However, my younger brother (I can't say little brother anymore cuz he's now taller than I am) loves it. It's his favorite. You can ask him where anything is and he'll tell you.
Mom decided to take a little different approach for the geography test (James and I were taking the same test at the same time). She made it into a competitive game. She brought a bell down, placed it on the coffee table, and had me and James stand in the doorway several feet away. I knew I wasn't going to like this. Mom explained the rules: she would ask a question and whoever knew the answer had to ring the bell first and answer it.
Well, this is nice.
Half the stuff I'd learned flew from my mind as the questions were read off. The only couple times I did ring the bell was when James let me out of pity. I didn't enjoy the game at all and I felt frustrated beyond belief when it was finished. Why was my younger brother smarter than me? Why couldn't I grasp geography? Why did he seem like an absolute genius compared to me? And why did Mom pit him against me when she had to know how much better he was than me?
In other words, I felt miserable. I felt stupid. I felt embarrassed for feeling miserable and stupid. Why did it have to be this way?
Then God smacked me over the head. Rachel. Obviously I have not gifted you in geography. I gave you the gift of music. Quit being jealous.
Of course. While James smoked my butt in the geography test, he can retain just as much about music as I can about geography. I don't know which country is Niger, and he doesn't know how many flats are in the B flat scale. I can't remember what the sea in the Atlantic Ocean is (James keeps telling me it's Sargasso, but I keep thinking Sargento...then Mom tells me that's a cheese), and he doesn't know what Adante Moderato means.
The body of Christ has many parts. And I have to get it into my head that I can't be all the parts all at once. Not to say I shouldn't try (because I have to complete geography in order to complete 10th grade), but it's not my best subject and that's okay. God gifted me in music. So I shouldn't have been so selfish during the game. I should've been happy for James - he obviously enjoyed it.
One body. Many parts. Something I think a lot of us have to accept.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
My brain hurts....
This Monday I had to wake up bright and early (I am not a morning person: 8:00am is bright and early to me). That is because my sophomore year in high school started.
I actually didn't mind that much at first. Summer had been getting just a little tedious with nothing much to do. The first day of school Mom mostly showed me what I was going to be doing. I smiled as I noticed Bible devotion, vocabulary, and music practice on my agenda. I have always enjoyed those subjects.
Then horror stirred in my soul as the words ALGEBRA and BIOLOGY and GEOGRAPHY leaped out at me. I'd started algebra last year. I hated every minute of it (mostly because I couldn't understand it to save my life). I have never been a fan of science (for me, I'm fine not knowing the many mechanics of a blade of grass...I just know it's a blade of grass and it's there), and last year's physics and chemistry wasn't high on my favorites list. Therefore, I didn't think biology would hold much for me either. And geography....I can't find my shoes half the time, let alone every country in the world (as my curriculum says I'm going to be able to do by the end of the year...I laughed out loud).
Well, I'm 3 days in now. Algebra has been review so far, which I've done well at except for the end of the last test (solving for the unknown with fractions and decimals...totally lost me). Biology has actually been understandable so far, although some of the definitions I have to take note of are a little complex. For example: I saw the word "metabolism."
I know what that is, I so foolishly thought. It's that thing in your body that burns up food.
The actual answer? "The sum total of all processes in an organism which convert energy and matter from outside sources and use that energy and matter to sustain the organism's life functions."
Wait, what?
Geometry is going to be somewhat of a challenge for me this year, partly because I'm not good at it, partly because my brother can point out countries with his eyes closed (and he'll shove it in your face too). Mom gave me a sheet of paper with Africa outlined on it, with all its countries outlined as well. She wanted to know which countries I knew. I pointed out Egypt.
I think I need to work on it.
So, I was sighing, thinking about how much work this was going to be.
And then I went to the local public school for my drivers ed class. 50 minutes in a small sweaty classroom with one other girl and a bajillion guys...freshman guys. You know, the ones who shouldn't need any food because they're already too full on themselves.
We watched a video for the class, kids around me whispering every few seconds, the teacher having to hush them up. The seats were the most uncomfortable thing I've ever had to sit on (my entire back was aching). The desks were all cramped together a little too closely in my opinion. And after the video was done, I had to sit for 10 whole minutes twiddling my thumbs until the bell rang and I could leave. I met Mom out at the car with my report: "Drivers ed was fun. The public school setting wasn't really."
It's not like it was a traumatizing experience. I could do public school. It's not like I have a problem with being way too shy or anything (I am extremely quiet, but that's just my personality). I could do it. I just realized after that, I preferred homeschooling a lot better. For one thing, I can sit on a comfy couch while I do my schoolwork (no back pain). My teacher can give me personal attention if I need help on something. There are almost no distractions (the biggest one we have is our dog plopping his toys in our laps trying to get us to play with him). If I need extra time on a subject in order to master it, I can get it. My teacher is guaranteed to be nice (she's my Mom, after all). When I'm done with a subject, I can just move on to the next one (not have to sit and try to count the flies in the room for 10 minutes until I'm dismissed). Because I can launch right into my school and focus completely on it until it's done, I have 3 1/2 hour school days - and I'm still getting everything done that I need to get done. I can use the bathroom when I want. I can grab whatever I want for lunch. I can pick which subjects I want to do first.
I really enjoy homeschooling.
So, I know trying to figure out 1/2 Y + 3/4 = 6 is going to be tough (I just made that up right there, so it's probably wrong). I know trying to grasp photosynthesis and mitochondria and the point of dissecting frogs is going to be hard. And I know trying to figure out where the heck the Republic of the Congo is is going to be hard. But I'm thankful I'm in an environment where it fits my personality and I can learn it better.
And prepare myself for drivers ed tomorrow.
I actually didn't mind that much at first. Summer had been getting just a little tedious with nothing much to do. The first day of school Mom mostly showed me what I was going to be doing. I smiled as I noticed Bible devotion, vocabulary, and music practice on my agenda. I have always enjoyed those subjects.
Then horror stirred in my soul as the words ALGEBRA and BIOLOGY and GEOGRAPHY leaped out at me. I'd started algebra last year. I hated every minute of it (mostly because I couldn't understand it to save my life). I have never been a fan of science (for me, I'm fine not knowing the many mechanics of a blade of grass...I just know it's a blade of grass and it's there), and last year's physics and chemistry wasn't high on my favorites list. Therefore, I didn't think biology would hold much for me either. And geography....I can't find my shoes half the time, let alone every country in the world (as my curriculum says I'm going to be able to do by the end of the year...I laughed out loud).
Well, I'm 3 days in now. Algebra has been review so far, which I've done well at except for the end of the last test (solving for the unknown with fractions and decimals...totally lost me). Biology has actually been understandable so far, although some of the definitions I have to take note of are a little complex. For example: I saw the word "metabolism."
I know what that is, I so foolishly thought. It's that thing in your body that burns up food.
The actual answer? "The sum total of all processes in an organism which convert energy and matter from outside sources and use that energy and matter to sustain the organism's life functions."
Wait, what?
Geometry is going to be somewhat of a challenge for me this year, partly because I'm not good at it, partly because my brother can point out countries with his eyes closed (and he'll shove it in your face too). Mom gave me a sheet of paper with Africa outlined on it, with all its countries outlined as well. She wanted to know which countries I knew. I pointed out Egypt.
I think I need to work on it.
So, I was sighing, thinking about how much work this was going to be.
And then I went to the local public school for my drivers ed class. 50 minutes in a small sweaty classroom with one other girl and a bajillion guys...freshman guys. You know, the ones who shouldn't need any food because they're already too full on themselves.
We watched a video for the class, kids around me whispering every few seconds, the teacher having to hush them up. The seats were the most uncomfortable thing I've ever had to sit on (my entire back was aching). The desks were all cramped together a little too closely in my opinion. And after the video was done, I had to sit for 10 whole minutes twiddling my thumbs until the bell rang and I could leave. I met Mom out at the car with my report: "Drivers ed was fun. The public school setting wasn't really."
It's not like it was a traumatizing experience. I could do public school. It's not like I have a problem with being way too shy or anything (I am extremely quiet, but that's just my personality). I could do it. I just realized after that, I preferred homeschooling a lot better. For one thing, I can sit on a comfy couch while I do my schoolwork (no back pain). My teacher can give me personal attention if I need help on something. There are almost no distractions (the biggest one we have is our dog plopping his toys in our laps trying to get us to play with him). If I need extra time on a subject in order to master it, I can get it. My teacher is guaranteed to be nice (she's my Mom, after all). When I'm done with a subject, I can just move on to the next one (not have to sit and try to count the flies in the room for 10 minutes until I'm dismissed). Because I can launch right into my school and focus completely on it until it's done, I have 3 1/2 hour school days - and I'm still getting everything done that I need to get done. I can use the bathroom when I want. I can grab whatever I want for lunch. I can pick which subjects I want to do first.
I really enjoy homeschooling.
So, I know trying to figure out 1/2 Y + 3/4 = 6 is going to be tough (I just made that up right there, so it's probably wrong). I know trying to grasp photosynthesis and mitochondria and the point of dissecting frogs is going to be hard. And I know trying to figure out where the heck the Republic of the Congo is is going to be hard. But I'm thankful I'm in an environment where it fits my personality and I can learn it better.
And prepare myself for drivers ed tomorrow.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Don't Worry, Be Happy
My youth pastor (PJ) preached the sermon for the whole church last Sunday. Its theme was about worry. PJ did an amazing job explaining how worrying was against God's plan, bad for your health (stomach ulcers, etc), and, in fact, a sin. I never thought about worry being a sin before, but the more he explained it, the more I realized he was right. Of course we should still have concerns. For example, if we're driving and suddenly the car jerks to the right while you're on a bridge, crashes through the guardrail, and you're hanging half-over the edge awaiting your doom...that's concern.
But the thing about concern is, you deal with it. You're concerned that the lawn needs to be mowed, so mow it. You're concerned about your family getting fed, so work and feed them. Worrying is useless. It doesn't get anything done. In fact, Jesus asks, "How can you add one hour to your life by worrying?" PJ added, "I know you can certainly take some away."
I sorely needed to hear that message. I take after my Dad in that I worry like crazy, which I seriously don't understand and is very confusing because I'm also an easygoing laid-back person. In all actuality, I'm very laidback around other people. If something ever happened to them, at least I'd be there to help (and I'm known for being very calm and level-headed in times of emergency). It's when I'm alone that I start panicking. Oftentimes, it's about stupid irrelevant stuff that will probably never happen, and what's worse, I'll build onto it from there so it'll be one big mess of things that will probably never happen.
It goes like this: I wonder what would happen if our house suddenly caught fire. What if I accidentally left one of the lights on downstairs and somehow the house creaked and then it made the end table shake and the lamp fell and broke. Then it would hit the couch and - oh my, what if the couch caught fire? Then it would make the carpet catch fire. Then the entire downstairs would catch fire! What if the smoke alarm broke? Even if it didn't break, what if I was just stuck? What if I couldn't get my little brother out to safety? What about my dog? HE SLEEPS DOWNSTAIRS, DOESN'T HE, WHAT IF HE CAUGHT FIRE??! Oh my poor pooch...
Oh gosh, I just thought of something...the computer is downstairs. What if the computer caught fire? What if it got destroyed? My entire iTunes library is on that computer. Nearly 1,000 songs. What would I do without them? What if my iPod was destroyed? How could I possibly live without my iPod? Or my diaries. What if all my memories were destroyed? What if it burnt completely to the ground and we lost everything?
And then I'd be praying that the house wouldn't catch fire. Because knowing me, I would not leave the house without my family and dog being safe outside, and my iPod safe in my hands (and hopefully my diaries too). (But the iPod is a definite).
Surveys show that most of the time, our worries are about things that will probably never happen. It's unhealthy. It's useless. It's wrong. God tells us to cast our anxiety on Him, because He cares for us. He wants us to let Him worry about it (of course God doesn't actually worry, but you get the point). Prayer is one of the best ways to get rid of worry.
Anything you're worried about?
But the thing about concern is, you deal with it. You're concerned that the lawn needs to be mowed, so mow it. You're concerned about your family getting fed, so work and feed them. Worrying is useless. It doesn't get anything done. In fact, Jesus asks, "How can you add one hour to your life by worrying?" PJ added, "I know you can certainly take some away."
I sorely needed to hear that message. I take after my Dad in that I worry like crazy, which I seriously don't understand and is very confusing because I'm also an easygoing laid-back person. In all actuality, I'm very laidback around other people. If something ever happened to them, at least I'd be there to help (and I'm known for being very calm and level-headed in times of emergency). It's when I'm alone that I start panicking. Oftentimes, it's about stupid irrelevant stuff that will probably never happen, and what's worse, I'll build onto it from there so it'll be one big mess of things that will probably never happen.
It goes like this: I wonder what would happen if our house suddenly caught fire. What if I accidentally left one of the lights on downstairs and somehow the house creaked and then it made the end table shake and the lamp fell and broke. Then it would hit the couch and - oh my, what if the couch caught fire? Then it would make the carpet catch fire. Then the entire downstairs would catch fire! What if the smoke alarm broke? Even if it didn't break, what if I was just stuck? What if I couldn't get my little brother out to safety? What about my dog? HE SLEEPS DOWNSTAIRS, DOESN'T HE, WHAT IF HE CAUGHT FIRE??! Oh my poor pooch...
Oh gosh, I just thought of something...the computer is downstairs. What if the computer caught fire? What if it got destroyed? My entire iTunes library is on that computer. Nearly 1,000 songs. What would I do without them? What if my iPod was destroyed? How could I possibly live without my iPod? Or my diaries. What if all my memories were destroyed? What if it burnt completely to the ground and we lost everything?
And then I'd be praying that the house wouldn't catch fire. Because knowing me, I would not leave the house without my family and dog being safe outside, and my iPod safe in my hands (and hopefully my diaries too). (But the iPod is a definite).
Surveys show that most of the time, our worries are about things that will probably never happen. It's unhealthy. It's useless. It's wrong. God tells us to cast our anxiety on Him, because He cares for us. He wants us to let Him worry about it (of course God doesn't actually worry, but you get the point). Prayer is one of the best ways to get rid of worry.
Anything you're worried about?
Sunday, July 20, 2008
The Bucket List
Okay, not really a "Bucket List" for me, since I really don't expect to be "kicking the bucket" anytime soon. But a lot of people encourage teens to do this too: make a list of all the things they want to do before they are 18 or graduate high school.
So I decided I'd give it a shot, take a look at all the things I really want to do. Here's what I came up with:
1) Go to prom.
As a homeschooler, this is not as easy as other kids have it, but I would absolutely die to go to prom, get all prettied up for one night. If no one will take me, I'll go with a friend. I am going to prom before I graduate high school. I'll make sure of that.
2) Buy a car.
Okay, I probably won't do this until I'm 18 or extremely close to graduating because, frankly, right now I don't need one and I don't have the money for one. But I'm gonna need one before I leave for college.
3) Learn to run a mile.
On good days, I walk 3 miles. Otherwise, I make sure to walk at least 1 or 2 each day. But running I'm not so good at. So I want to learn to be able to run a mile before I'm 18.
4) Learn guitar.
I've wanted to learn guitar for a while. I love playing piano, but I'd love to be able to play guitar too. Just another instrument. Plus, it's easier to take a guitar traveling with you than a piano.
5) Read the Bible every day.
Alright, this isn't something I can really "accomplish" since it's something I'll always be doing, but I've really been getting into the habit of doing it (usually at night since that's when I'm most awake and more apt to concentrate) and it's been really refreshing. I learn stuff I never really paid attention to before, and my Teen Study Bible has a bunch of blurbs that help a lot - sometimes with the problem I'm dealing with at the moment. It's really rewarding. I especially like reading Paul's letters. He gives great advice.
6) See Josh Groban in concert.
I love every single type of music and hundreds upon hundreds of artists. If you ask me what my favorite band is, I won't be able to to tell you. Same with female singer. But my favorite singer of all time is Josh Groben. His voice melts me like chocolate. Once he goes back on tour, I would absolutely love to see him perform in concert. Even if I have to pay $100 for it. He's the only one I can think of who'd be worth that amount of money.
7) Perform in a fair/talent show/musical.
Really get out there and show my vocal talent. Let the world hear me. If I'm able to perform in a musical, I'd love that. Sing and act at the same time.
8) Become fluent in Italian.
This is actually kinda "mandatory" since I have to take two years of foreign language starting in my junior year, and I've decided to take Italian (they just have a beautiful language...Italian songs are beautifully put together). I'm really, really excited to get started on it. Especially because, sometime in life, I would love to go to Italy. Maybe France too, but especially Italy.
Anyway, that's what I've got. I think that's enough to get me started.
Do you have one?
So I decided I'd give it a shot, take a look at all the things I really want to do. Here's what I came up with:
1) Go to prom.
As a homeschooler, this is not as easy as other kids have it, but I would absolutely die to go to prom, get all prettied up for one night. If no one will take me, I'll go with a friend. I am going to prom before I graduate high school. I'll make sure of that.
2) Buy a car.
Okay, I probably won't do this until I'm 18 or extremely close to graduating because, frankly, right now I don't need one and I don't have the money for one. But I'm gonna need one before I leave for college.
3) Learn to run a mile.
On good days, I walk 3 miles. Otherwise, I make sure to walk at least 1 or 2 each day. But running I'm not so good at. So I want to learn to be able to run a mile before I'm 18.
4) Learn guitar.
I've wanted to learn guitar for a while. I love playing piano, but I'd love to be able to play guitar too. Just another instrument. Plus, it's easier to take a guitar traveling with you than a piano.
5) Read the Bible every day.
Alright, this isn't something I can really "accomplish" since it's something I'll always be doing, but I've really been getting into the habit of doing it (usually at night since that's when I'm most awake and more apt to concentrate) and it's been really refreshing. I learn stuff I never really paid attention to before, and my Teen Study Bible has a bunch of blurbs that help a lot - sometimes with the problem I'm dealing with at the moment. It's really rewarding. I especially like reading Paul's letters. He gives great advice.
6) See Josh Groban in concert.
I love every single type of music and hundreds upon hundreds of artists. If you ask me what my favorite band is, I won't be able to to tell you. Same with female singer. But my favorite singer of all time is Josh Groben. His voice melts me like chocolate. Once he goes back on tour, I would absolutely love to see him perform in concert. Even if I have to pay $100 for it. He's the only one I can think of who'd be worth that amount of money.
7) Perform in a fair/talent show/musical.
Really get out there and show my vocal talent. Let the world hear me. If I'm able to perform in a musical, I'd love that. Sing and act at the same time.
8) Become fluent in Italian.
This is actually kinda "mandatory" since I have to take two years of foreign language starting in my junior year, and I've decided to take Italian (they just have a beautiful language...Italian songs are beautifully put together). I'm really, really excited to get started on it. Especially because, sometime in life, I would love to go to Italy. Maybe France too, but especially Italy.
Anyway, that's what I've got. I think that's enough to get me started.
Do you have one?
Saturday, July 19, 2008
The Green Eyed Monster
One of the things my mother told me when I was a little girl was to "not become the Green Eyed Monster." Pretty much, when you are jealous about something that someone else has, you turn into a monster. Not wanting to turn into a monster, I tried my hardest to be happy with what I had at that young age.
Lord knows the jealousy problem does not go away when you enter your teens. In fact, it increases by a lot. Particularly when you bring the opposite sex into the issue. What do all the teen magazines say you should do with an ex? Make them jealous.
So far I have been fortunately spared too much guy issues (I have had them, but not to the extent some of my friends have). However, I am going to reveal the dirty truth that, yes, I am a jealous person.
It's one of my pitfalls. Nobody can ever tell that I'm jealous, but ooh, if you saw the inside, my longings are incredible. I have a nasty habit of comparing myself to others. "Man, I wish I were as thin as her" or "Why can't my hair do that?" or "How come they get all that stuff just by asking and I have to work for mine?" I never pay attention to the fact that my body's in very good shape, I can do a lot of styles with my hair, and the stuff that I buy with my own hard-earned money comes with a certain satisfaction. I just get jealous that I'm not that thin or my hair's not that straight.
Another thing I get almost bitter about sometimes is the fact that other families do extraordinary things that they take for granted, that my family simply cannot afford. I was looking through Brio And Beyond, my favorite magazine, and noticed an offer for a mother-daughter cruise to Mexico. Looked amazing. I looked it up online, and it would be about $1,200 for the both of us. That did not include air fair. I read deeper into the magazine and read dozens of testimonials from the past mother-daughter cruise about how amazing it was and how it changed their lives and restored relationships and all this and all that.
My first thought? They should be thanking God they have enough spare money to go on a cruise.
What also surprised me was, when I was looking up ticket prices for the cruise, I noticed that the most expensive arrangements - $3,000 per person - were sold out. That annoyed me. These people can just fish $6,000 out of their purse for a cruise while we have to super-price just to get my piano tuned?
I decided not to think about it. I had to accept that my family could not just go on a cruise when we felt like it.
Nor can we do other extraordinary things other teens just take for granted, things that would be an absolute dream-come-true for me. I saw an ad on the side of my MySpace page for a music camp called Powerchord Academy. Curious, I looked it up. Everything I've dreamed about doing with my music, I could do at that camp. Play in a band with my specialty instrument (lead vocals). Learn how to write songs better. Meet professional musicians. Record a professional album. Even have it submitted to a major record company on the off-chance that they accept us. All this and tons more. My heart was flipping in my chest. I examined the cost.
$1,200 per session. And they said if you were a serious musician, they suggest you say for 4 sessions.
Who can afford this? I wonder. Obviously hundreds and hundreds of teens around the country - even from around the world - can. I didn't even bother to read the testimonials. It could disappoint me even more.
Even seeing what my friends get for birthday/Christmas gifts sets off my Jealous-ometer. I look at one of the most advanced cell phones one of my friends has. I ask, "How much did it cost?" "Dunno, got it for my birthday." "Wow, that's a cool iHome. How much was it?" "Dunno, got it for Christmas." "Is that an iPod classic? How much do those cost again?" "Dunno, my grandma got it for me for Easter."
My family just cannot afford these things. And it really irritates me sometimes.
Which is why, one day when I was reading Proverbs, two verses smacked me right in the face. One is from Proverbs 27: 20 - "Death and destruction are never satisfied, and neither are the eyes of a man." So, even if I had everything, I would still not be satisfied, because someone else would have something better that I wish I had. I will always want more. It will never cease.
The other is Proverbs 27:4 - "Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?"
I don't like anger. I can definitely attest that anger is cruel and fury is overwhelming. And I know people that seem to always be angry or furious. But what really hit me was the last part: "But who can stand before jealousy?" So jealousy is even worse than anger? Jealousy must be really bad then.
Those two verses have really helped me be content with what I've got. I may never be able to dig out $1,000 for a specific event. In fact, I might not be able to get out even $2o0 for one. But I rely on God to help me not to be jealous about it. Who I am in Christ is better than any worldly possession.
Lord knows the jealousy problem does not go away when you enter your teens. In fact, it increases by a lot. Particularly when you bring the opposite sex into the issue. What do all the teen magazines say you should do with an ex? Make them jealous.
So far I have been fortunately spared too much guy issues (I have had them, but not to the extent some of my friends have). However, I am going to reveal the dirty truth that, yes, I am a jealous person.
It's one of my pitfalls. Nobody can ever tell that I'm jealous, but ooh, if you saw the inside, my longings are incredible. I have a nasty habit of comparing myself to others. "Man, I wish I were as thin as her" or "Why can't my hair do that?" or "How come they get all that stuff just by asking and I have to work for mine?" I never pay attention to the fact that my body's in very good shape, I can do a lot of styles with my hair, and the stuff that I buy with my own hard-earned money comes with a certain satisfaction. I just get jealous that I'm not that thin or my hair's not that straight.
Another thing I get almost bitter about sometimes is the fact that other families do extraordinary things that they take for granted, that my family simply cannot afford. I was looking through Brio And Beyond, my favorite magazine, and noticed an offer for a mother-daughter cruise to Mexico. Looked amazing. I looked it up online, and it would be about $1,200 for the both of us. That did not include air fair. I read deeper into the magazine and read dozens of testimonials from the past mother-daughter cruise about how amazing it was and how it changed their lives and restored relationships and all this and all that.
My first thought? They should be thanking God they have enough spare money to go on a cruise.
What also surprised me was, when I was looking up ticket prices for the cruise, I noticed that the most expensive arrangements - $3,000 per person - were sold out. That annoyed me. These people can just fish $6,000 out of their purse for a cruise while we have to super-price just to get my piano tuned?
I decided not to think about it. I had to accept that my family could not just go on a cruise when we felt like it.
Nor can we do other extraordinary things other teens just take for granted, things that would be an absolute dream-come-true for me. I saw an ad on the side of my MySpace page for a music camp called Powerchord Academy. Curious, I looked it up. Everything I've dreamed about doing with my music, I could do at that camp. Play in a band with my specialty instrument (lead vocals). Learn how to write songs better. Meet professional musicians. Record a professional album. Even have it submitted to a major record company on the off-chance that they accept us. All this and tons more. My heart was flipping in my chest. I examined the cost.
$1,200 per session. And they said if you were a serious musician, they suggest you say for 4 sessions.
Who can afford this? I wonder. Obviously hundreds and hundreds of teens around the country - even from around the world - can. I didn't even bother to read the testimonials. It could disappoint me even more.
Even seeing what my friends get for birthday/Christmas gifts sets off my Jealous-ometer. I look at one of the most advanced cell phones one of my friends has. I ask, "How much did it cost?" "Dunno, got it for my birthday." "Wow, that's a cool iHome. How much was it?" "Dunno, got it for Christmas." "Is that an iPod classic? How much do those cost again?" "Dunno, my grandma got it for me for Easter."
My family just cannot afford these things. And it really irritates me sometimes.
Which is why, one day when I was reading Proverbs, two verses smacked me right in the face. One is from Proverbs 27: 20 - "Death and destruction are never satisfied, and neither are the eyes of a man." So, even if I had everything, I would still not be satisfied, because someone else would have something better that I wish I had. I will always want more. It will never cease.
The other is Proverbs 27:4 - "Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?"
I don't like anger. I can definitely attest that anger is cruel and fury is overwhelming. And I know people that seem to always be angry or furious. But what really hit me was the last part: "But who can stand before jealousy?" So jealousy is even worse than anger? Jealousy must be really bad then.
Those two verses have really helped me be content with what I've got. I may never be able to dig out $1,000 for a specific event. In fact, I might not be able to get out even $2o0 for one. But I rely on God to help me not to be jealous about it. Who I am in Christ is better than any worldly possession.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Are you scared now?
Last night inspired this post. I will get to that in a second.
Everybody has fears about something (as much as the 4th and 5th grade boys in my Nebraska mission trip will insist they're not afraid of anything). There are many different kinds of fears you could have. An example of one would be the silly, illogical, totally irrational kind of fear. Like my fear of saunas. Don't ask me why I'm afraid of saunas, I just am. It's not really claustrophobia, even if I'm a little uncomfortable in elevators. In other tight spaces I do just fine. It just happened one day when I was about 12 or 13 and my neice and I were getting out of the pool and she suggested going into the sauna. I went with her and as soon as we closed the door, I flew into full-panic mode (and I never panic, so you can imagine what that must be like), pacing around, freaking out about the steam that wasn't even coming out yet, and finally I just had to get out. I have never stepped in a sauna since.
There is no reason for me to be afraid of saunas. However, there are other fears that are still small, but there's a reason you're afraid of them. I have 3 of those. One is needles, particularly when used for blood tests. During my "Headache Trial," I had a gazillion bad experiences with these (the curse of having small veins that roll around a lot), so I get lightheaded when I even think about it. Another is bats. This occurred when I was going down to the basement to do my laundry one day and suddenly a bat flew by inches from my face. I let out a shriek, looked at it for two full seconds to make sure what it was, then dashed upstairs. Mom and my little brother James came up to me, wondering what happened. I was so hysterical that I was laughing and crying at the same time. Mom kept asking if maybe it was a black bird, but I'm positive it was a bad (James, who'd never seen me like this, said, "If it induced this kind of a reaction, I'm pretty sure it was what she thinks it was, Mom."). I stayed away from the basement for a week (until Mom made me do my laundry again...), but I still hate bats today.
And the third just happened last night. I never even knew I had this fear. See, I don't care about bugs. My Mom and little brother are deathly afraid of spiders (the teeny pinpoint-sized ones might as well be tarantulas) and I'm the one who always has to squish them because they don't scare me. Same with bugs. However, I'd never seen one like this one before.
See, I was lying on my bed, listening to my iPod, when suddenly something small and dark fell from my window. Curious, I lifted my head to see what it was, and I saw this big ugly bronze beetle crawling on my bed. I don't think I like that, I thought, beginning to scoot away. Then it leaped into the air and began to fly. Towards me.
One blessing about me is that in situations of panic, I'm able to keep calm and levelheaded. Even when trying to run away, I'm able to think through things. My moment of panic lasted a couple seconds once it flew towards me and attempted to eat me (it might as well have been). I let out a squeak and leaped off my bed, slamming my head into the corner of the wall in my L-shaped room. At the time, I barely noticed I hit it, stumbling towards the door. Like with the bat, I checked to make sure what my attacker was, then exited my room and closed the door to keep the bug in.
After that, I stood in the hallway for a couple minutes pondering over what just happened and wondering who I should tell to kill it and Mom came up the stairs. So I asked her. Fortunately she's not afraid of big ugly bronze beetles and discovered it sizzling in my bedroom lamp. I still did not sleep in my bedroom that night.
And now my head really smarts from smacking it against the wall.
Anyhow, those are smallish fears that we have. But some are bigger. More profound. A common one with teenagers is the fear of being rejected. Left out. Laughed at. I have a fear of displeasing people. I hate it. That's why, whenever my opinion is asked, I will let out my usual safe, "Whatever you want." Even if I hate whatever it is the other person wants, I will go along with it quietly because I don't want even the remote possibility of hurting their feelings.
A couple days ago, I wanted my Mom to read something proposing a compromise between the jeans I wore (long story short, she thinks they're too tight, I think they aren't). I expected her to look at it objectively, but after reading it, she asked me a couple questions, and she looked hurt. Now, hurting anyone else's feelings is terrible. Hurting my Mom's feelings is practically the end of the world. Besides my mother, she's one of my best friends, one of the very few people I can really confide in (if I need to discuss a heart issue, she's the first one I go to). So that night I apologized about 800 times while she made a fruitless effort to try and tell me she didn't take it personally and she wasn't upset about it. I just couldn't get over the fact that I made her feel bad.
Even today I'm still haunted by past times, even years and years back, when I said something on accident that hurt someone's feelings. Whenever I think about them, a wave of guilt and remorse and shame floods over me, and I find myself beating myself up, saying, "Why would you say something like that? Why did you do that? What's with you? What kind of person are you anyway?" Of course the event is past and I apologized profusely to the people I offended, but I can't seem to get over it. The only way I can really try to move on is to not think about those times.
So, whatever your fear is, Paul told us to "cast our anxieties on [God], for He cares for you." Whether it's a little stupid irrational fear to something big that might be controlling your life, God wants you to give it to Him. You can't face them on your own, no matter how strong you are. Paul also said, "God's weakness is stronger than any man's strength." If you think you can outlast your fears, think about what God can do. Why not just give it to Him instead? I think He knows what He's doing.
It's something I have to constantly surrender. I have to realize that, if you put me in a room with 100 people, I am not going to be able to please every single person, as much as I want to. Not everybody is going to like me. I have to get over it, particularly because it used to very much hinder my evangelism. Sort of like, "If I talk about God, they might not like that, and I don't want to upset them or displease them." Now, I have become more outspoken in terms of God and sharing the Word. I don't hide that. That's who I am. If they don't like me for that, I should "rejoice, for that is how my forefathers were treated." The Bible even says I'll get a reward for that. Cool.
Of course, being my unique self, I still think over everything I'm going to say before I say it. I still take incredible care to not hurt anyone's feelings even accidentally. And I still say, "I don't care, whatever you want" when asked what restaurant I want to eat at (sometimes it irritates my family and then I'm at a loss for words, wondering what the heck I should say to make sure all of them are completely happy). That's who I am too. But otherwise, if I let it get out of control, it does dominate my life. So I have to constantly surrender it to God.
Have any fears you need to surrender?
Everybody has fears about something (as much as the 4th and 5th grade boys in my Nebraska mission trip will insist they're not afraid of anything). There are many different kinds of fears you could have. An example of one would be the silly, illogical, totally irrational kind of fear. Like my fear of saunas. Don't ask me why I'm afraid of saunas, I just am. It's not really claustrophobia, even if I'm a little uncomfortable in elevators. In other tight spaces I do just fine. It just happened one day when I was about 12 or 13 and my neice and I were getting out of the pool and she suggested going into the sauna. I went with her and as soon as we closed the door, I flew into full-panic mode (and I never panic, so you can imagine what that must be like), pacing around, freaking out about the steam that wasn't even coming out yet, and finally I just had to get out. I have never stepped in a sauna since.
There is no reason for me to be afraid of saunas. However, there are other fears that are still small, but there's a reason you're afraid of them. I have 3 of those. One is needles, particularly when used for blood tests. During my "Headache Trial," I had a gazillion bad experiences with these (the curse of having small veins that roll around a lot), so I get lightheaded when I even think about it. Another is bats. This occurred when I was going down to the basement to do my laundry one day and suddenly a bat flew by inches from my face. I let out a shriek, looked at it for two full seconds to make sure what it was, then dashed upstairs. Mom and my little brother James came up to me, wondering what happened. I was so hysterical that I was laughing and crying at the same time. Mom kept asking if maybe it was a black bird, but I'm positive it was a bad (James, who'd never seen me like this, said, "If it induced this kind of a reaction, I'm pretty sure it was what she thinks it was, Mom."). I stayed away from the basement for a week (until Mom made me do my laundry again...), but I still hate bats today.
And the third just happened last night. I never even knew I had this fear. See, I don't care about bugs. My Mom and little brother are deathly afraid of spiders (the teeny pinpoint-sized ones might as well be tarantulas) and I'm the one who always has to squish them because they don't scare me. Same with bugs. However, I'd never seen one like this one before.
See, I was lying on my bed, listening to my iPod, when suddenly something small and dark fell from my window. Curious, I lifted my head to see what it was, and I saw this big ugly bronze beetle crawling on my bed. I don't think I like that, I thought, beginning to scoot away. Then it leaped into the air and began to fly. Towards me.
One blessing about me is that in situations of panic, I'm able to keep calm and levelheaded. Even when trying to run away, I'm able to think through things. My moment of panic lasted a couple seconds once it flew towards me and attempted to eat me (it might as well have been). I let out a squeak and leaped off my bed, slamming my head into the corner of the wall in my L-shaped room. At the time, I barely noticed I hit it, stumbling towards the door. Like with the bat, I checked to make sure what my attacker was, then exited my room and closed the door to keep the bug in.
After that, I stood in the hallway for a couple minutes pondering over what just happened and wondering who I should tell to kill it and Mom came up the stairs. So I asked her. Fortunately she's not afraid of big ugly bronze beetles and discovered it sizzling in my bedroom lamp. I still did not sleep in my bedroom that night.
And now my head really smarts from smacking it against the wall.
Anyhow, those are smallish fears that we have. But some are bigger. More profound. A common one with teenagers is the fear of being rejected. Left out. Laughed at. I have a fear of displeasing people. I hate it. That's why, whenever my opinion is asked, I will let out my usual safe, "Whatever you want." Even if I hate whatever it is the other person wants, I will go along with it quietly because I don't want even the remote possibility of hurting their feelings.
A couple days ago, I wanted my Mom to read something proposing a compromise between the jeans I wore (long story short, she thinks they're too tight, I think they aren't). I expected her to look at it objectively, but after reading it, she asked me a couple questions, and she looked hurt. Now, hurting anyone else's feelings is terrible. Hurting my Mom's feelings is practically the end of the world. Besides my mother, she's one of my best friends, one of the very few people I can really confide in (if I need to discuss a heart issue, she's the first one I go to). So that night I apologized about 800 times while she made a fruitless effort to try and tell me she didn't take it personally and she wasn't upset about it. I just couldn't get over the fact that I made her feel bad.
Even today I'm still haunted by past times, even years and years back, when I said something on accident that hurt someone's feelings. Whenever I think about them, a wave of guilt and remorse and shame floods over me, and I find myself beating myself up, saying, "Why would you say something like that? Why did you do that? What's with you? What kind of person are you anyway?" Of course the event is past and I apologized profusely to the people I offended, but I can't seem to get over it. The only way I can really try to move on is to not think about those times.
So, whatever your fear is, Paul told us to "cast our anxieties on [God], for He cares for you." Whether it's a little stupid irrational fear to something big that might be controlling your life, God wants you to give it to Him. You can't face them on your own, no matter how strong you are. Paul also said, "God's weakness is stronger than any man's strength." If you think you can outlast your fears, think about what God can do. Why not just give it to Him instead? I think He knows what He's doing.
It's something I have to constantly surrender. I have to realize that, if you put me in a room with 100 people, I am not going to be able to please every single person, as much as I want to. Not everybody is going to like me. I have to get over it, particularly because it used to very much hinder my evangelism. Sort of like, "If I talk about God, they might not like that, and I don't want to upset them or displease them." Now, I have become more outspoken in terms of God and sharing the Word. I don't hide that. That's who I am. If they don't like me for that, I should "rejoice, for that is how my forefathers were treated." The Bible even says I'll get a reward for that. Cool.
Of course, being my unique self, I still think over everything I'm going to say before I say it. I still take incredible care to not hurt anyone's feelings even accidentally. And I still say, "I don't care, whatever you want" when asked what restaurant I want to eat at (sometimes it irritates my family and then I'm at a loss for words, wondering what the heck I should say to make sure all of them are completely happy). That's who I am too. But otherwise, if I let it get out of control, it does dominate my life. So I have to constantly surrender it to God.
Have any fears you need to surrender?
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
The moment you've all been waiting for
My Nebraska pics are FINALLY UP.
I fought tooth and nail with my scanner to get them all there.
(seriously. My pictures would get jammed and I'd have to play tug-of-war with the scanner to get it out again so I could send it through again).
Go ahead and take a look! http://www.myspace.com/laheelahargest
(they're on my MySpace)
I fought tooth and nail with my scanner to get them all there.
(seriously. My pictures would get jammed and I'd have to play tug-of-war with the scanner to get it out again so I could send it through again).
Go ahead and take a look! http://www.myspace.com/laheelahargest
(they're on my MySpace)
Monday, July 7, 2008
The Arnold Schwartzeneggar in my life
I apologize if I spelled that wrong. Please let me know. It irks me if I spell things wrong. It's sort of a curse and a blessing at the same time...in any regard, it's the reason I can spell the longest word in the dictionary (and it's not Schwartzeneggar).
Anyhow, what's Arnie most famous for saying? Besides, "I'm going to be the goveenor of Cahleeforneea." Of course, his popular line in the Terminator: "I'll be back."
Got something in your life like that? Something that might go away for a little bit, but always says "I'll be back"? Perhaps it's a small nuisance, or maybe a bigger problem. Whatever your Arnie is, I know what mine is: TMJ. In case you don't know what that stands for, it's Temporomandibular Joint Disorder. Means one or both of your jaw joints are disfigured or malformed (I'm not sure if "malformed" is a word, but I'm making it one). Some symptoms are a stiff jaw that cracks and pops when you open it and headaches around your jaw and your forehead. It's not a very uncommon diagnosis. I know several people who have it as well as me.
Of course, I didn't know that's what I had 2 years ago. In fact, I've only really known about my TMJ for about 6 months now. Back in April of 2006, when I was 13 years old, one day I got a nagging little headache. I ignored it. It came back the next day...and the next...and the next. I took naproxen for it, but it still wouldn't go away. I told Mom about it, but I didn't act like it was a big deal. I didn't think it was. After a month, the headaches got even worse. That's when I told Mom, "These headaches are starting to interfere with my life. I'm starting to not enjoy things I used to enjoy cuz I just can't concentrate with these headaches." So she scheduled a doctor's appointment.
First thing that leaves the doctor's mouth: "migraines." Because that's what all teenager's headaches are. Teenager + headache = migraine. They could have a brain tumor and they'll still be diagnosed with migraines. So the doctor sent me home with medication and told me to see him in a month. So I went home, took the medication, but all it did was turn me into a zombie (I have never felt so out of it and yet awake at the same time). I looked for other things that might be causing my headaches, like maybe food allergies or something. Found nothing.
So I went back a month later. The doctor scheduled an MRI. Thought nothing would be there. Alas, that was not to be. *sigh*. They found a few tiny abnormal spots on my brain. Immediately sensing there was actually a problem that prescription medication might not help, the doctor sent me to another doctor, who immediately told me, "You probably have migraines" and sent me home with medication.
This started a lonnnnng journey. I visited 4 doctors, took over 25 different medications, had I think 3 MRI's (I kinda lost track), 1 CT scan, an EEG (EEG is brain and EKG is heart, right? I've had both, but I forget which one's which), and more blood tests than I can count. Seeing as my biggest fear is needles particularly when used for blood tests, it was not a fun time. And all the while, my headaches raged on, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. There was never a time when they weren't there. Sometimes they hurt so bad that I couldn't do anything but lay down, hold my head, and cry. Most of the time, although on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest) they were an 8 or 9 most of the time, I learned to live with them. I had to. How else was I supposed to go about life?
I kept a smile on my face (all the doctors I went to commented, "you sure have a nice smile for someone going through what you're going through"). I stayed strong. I wrote several songs during this time. I knew God would take away the headaches soon - He'd told me so about 5 months in (I wrote a song about that). I just didn't know how soon. I trusted He'd do so in His time. And He did - after a year and a half of every-minute-of-everyday headaches, he revealed to me - through the Internet, not doctors - that I had TMJ. My dentist confirmed it.
So I had to do jaw exercises and wear a nightguard at night to keep from clenching my jaw (turns out I have TMJ cuz I clench my jaw whenever I'm angry, stressed, upset, or just concentrating hard), and after about three months my headaches were completely gone. I was ecstatic. Of course, whenever I did an algebra test or something else that stressed me out, the headaches would make their appearance, but they'd disappear. It felt great. No headaches. No living in constant pain.
Now, going back to Arnie's line. "I'll be back." You got it. For the past week or so, the headaches have been there again. And my left jaw joint (the malformed one) is hurting like crazy and popping and everything. I'd laid off the jaw exercises and mouthguard, so I'm getting into them again, but I don't think I've been particularly stressed or anything. So...it's back. But it's not like I haven't been through it before. God will just give me the strength to go through it again, however long it lasts. Only this time I know what the diagnosis is, so I probably don't have to see any doctors.
Anyway. That's my Arnie. What's yours?
Anyhow, what's Arnie most famous for saying? Besides, "I'm going to be the goveenor of Cahleeforneea." Of course, his popular line in the Terminator: "I'll be back."
Got something in your life like that? Something that might go away for a little bit, but always says "I'll be back"? Perhaps it's a small nuisance, or maybe a bigger problem. Whatever your Arnie is, I know what mine is: TMJ. In case you don't know what that stands for, it's Temporomandibular Joint Disorder. Means one or both of your jaw joints are disfigured or malformed (I'm not sure if "malformed" is a word, but I'm making it one). Some symptoms are a stiff jaw that cracks and pops when you open it and headaches around your jaw and your forehead. It's not a very uncommon diagnosis. I know several people who have it as well as me.
Of course, I didn't know that's what I had 2 years ago. In fact, I've only really known about my TMJ for about 6 months now. Back in April of 2006, when I was 13 years old, one day I got a nagging little headache. I ignored it. It came back the next day...and the next...and the next. I took naproxen for it, but it still wouldn't go away. I told Mom about it, but I didn't act like it was a big deal. I didn't think it was. After a month, the headaches got even worse. That's when I told Mom, "These headaches are starting to interfere with my life. I'm starting to not enjoy things I used to enjoy cuz I just can't concentrate with these headaches." So she scheduled a doctor's appointment.
First thing that leaves the doctor's mouth: "migraines." Because that's what all teenager's headaches are. Teenager + headache = migraine. They could have a brain tumor and they'll still be diagnosed with migraines. So the doctor sent me home with medication and told me to see him in a month. So I went home, took the medication, but all it did was turn me into a zombie (I have never felt so out of it and yet awake at the same time). I looked for other things that might be causing my headaches, like maybe food allergies or something. Found nothing.
So I went back a month later. The doctor scheduled an MRI. Thought nothing would be there. Alas, that was not to be. *sigh*. They found a few tiny abnormal spots on my brain. Immediately sensing there was actually a problem that prescription medication might not help, the doctor sent me to another doctor, who immediately told me, "You probably have migraines" and sent me home with medication.
This started a lonnnnng journey. I visited 4 doctors, took over 25 different medications, had I think 3 MRI's (I kinda lost track), 1 CT scan, an EEG (EEG is brain and EKG is heart, right? I've had both, but I forget which one's which), and more blood tests than I can count. Seeing as my biggest fear is needles particularly when used for blood tests, it was not a fun time. And all the while, my headaches raged on, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. There was never a time when they weren't there. Sometimes they hurt so bad that I couldn't do anything but lay down, hold my head, and cry. Most of the time, although on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest) they were an 8 or 9 most of the time, I learned to live with them. I had to. How else was I supposed to go about life?
I kept a smile on my face (all the doctors I went to commented, "you sure have a nice smile for someone going through what you're going through"). I stayed strong. I wrote several songs during this time. I knew God would take away the headaches soon - He'd told me so about 5 months in (I wrote a song about that). I just didn't know how soon. I trusted He'd do so in His time. And He did - after a year and a half of every-minute-of-everyday headaches, he revealed to me - through the Internet, not doctors - that I had TMJ. My dentist confirmed it.
So I had to do jaw exercises and wear a nightguard at night to keep from clenching my jaw (turns out I have TMJ cuz I clench my jaw whenever I'm angry, stressed, upset, or just concentrating hard), and after about three months my headaches were completely gone. I was ecstatic. Of course, whenever I did an algebra test or something else that stressed me out, the headaches would make their appearance, but they'd disappear. It felt great. No headaches. No living in constant pain.
Now, going back to Arnie's line. "I'll be back." You got it. For the past week or so, the headaches have been there again. And my left jaw joint (the malformed one) is hurting like crazy and popping and everything. I'd laid off the jaw exercises and mouthguard, so I'm getting into them again, but I don't think I've been particularly stressed or anything. So...it's back. But it's not like I haven't been through it before. God will just give me the strength to go through it again, however long it lasts. Only this time I know what the diagnosis is, so I probably don't have to see any doctors.
Anyway. That's my Arnie. What's yours?
Thursday, July 3, 2008
What Every Girl Cares About
So, I recently got back from a mission trip. That's right, a trip. And what do trips mean? Lots and lots of food, particularly junk food. (With the exception of my trip to Jamaica...not only was the food big on spice and little on tastebud-pleasing, we always went to bed hungry at night).
This trip was no different. Everywhere you looked, there was food. If you didn't like the gazillion options you had, we got more. There was no ignoring it. 1st Corinthians 10:13 says, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful, He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (I had to memorize it for both trips, so I know it well.) Nice verse, but on this trip, the temptation to eat was incredible, and there was no way out.
So I came back from the trip 6 lbs heavier.
Let me repeat, 6 lbs heavier.
Okay, for those who aren't getting it, let me give you a translation: I came back from this trip 6 lbs heavier and I'm so fat I make cows look anorexic. In Teenage Girl World, 6 lbs is equivalent to 150 lbs.
It's a struggle most every teenage girl has, even Christians. Body image is very important, and with today's culture, being thin is everything. If a girl is at a healthy weight, she may consider herself fat. Oftentimes, we girls compare ourselves to others. Like, "Man, I wish I was that thin" or "I wish I had a smile as pretty as hers." Oftentimes, we don't look at ourselves correctly.
When I saw the "Phantom of the Opera" (one of my favorite movies, btw), I immediately told myself, "I want to be as thin as Emmy Rossum." (who plays Christine). As much as I know it's important to be healthy, not thin, I still found myself jealous of her, especially when she wore a corset and her waist got so much smaller.
One day, I actually looked myself in the mirror and understood. Now, I don't do that often. Most teen girls don't. We see a monster in the mirror. But that day, I looked...and saw I actually was as thin as Emmy Rossum. My vision of me was totally distorted.
And it gets that way a lot even today. Even if you aren't as thin as Emmy Rossum, God says He looks more on the inward appearance than the out. Mostly girls are looking to be attractive to the opposite sex when they want to be thin. But isn't God's opinion so much more important than a boy's?
Not saying you shouldn't take care of yourself. God says to be good stewards of our bodies. Which means you should be healthy, not sickenly skinny.
It's a problem I still battle today, because I am a 15-year-old girl. But I am giving it to God and keeping myself on a healthy diet.
P.S. In the 3 days I've been home, I've lost 5 of the 6 lbs. So really there was no need to panic about it. Like my Mom says, "It's only 6 lbs, Rachel."
This trip was no different. Everywhere you looked, there was food. If you didn't like the gazillion options you had, we got more. There was no ignoring it. 1st Corinthians 10:13 says, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful, He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (I had to memorize it for both trips, so I know it well.) Nice verse, but on this trip, the temptation to eat was incredible, and there was no way out.
So I came back from the trip 6 lbs heavier.
Let me repeat, 6 lbs heavier.
Okay, for those who aren't getting it, let me give you a translation: I came back from this trip 6 lbs heavier and I'm so fat I make cows look anorexic. In Teenage Girl World, 6 lbs is equivalent to 150 lbs.
It's a struggle most every teenage girl has, even Christians. Body image is very important, and with today's culture, being thin is everything. If a girl is at a healthy weight, she may consider herself fat. Oftentimes, we girls compare ourselves to others. Like, "Man, I wish I was that thin" or "I wish I had a smile as pretty as hers." Oftentimes, we don't look at ourselves correctly.
When I saw the "Phantom of the Opera" (one of my favorite movies, btw), I immediately told myself, "I want to be as thin as Emmy Rossum." (who plays Christine). As much as I know it's important to be healthy, not thin, I still found myself jealous of her, especially when she wore a corset and her waist got so much smaller.
One day, I actually looked myself in the mirror and understood. Now, I don't do that often. Most teen girls don't. We see a monster in the mirror. But that day, I looked...and saw I actually was as thin as Emmy Rossum. My vision of me was totally distorted.
And it gets that way a lot even today. Even if you aren't as thin as Emmy Rossum, God says He looks more on the inward appearance than the out. Mostly girls are looking to be attractive to the opposite sex when they want to be thin. But isn't God's opinion so much more important than a boy's?
Not saying you shouldn't take care of yourself. God says to be good stewards of our bodies. Which means you should be healthy, not sickenly skinny.
It's a problem I still battle today, because I am a 15-year-old girl. But I am giving it to God and keeping myself on a healthy diet.
P.S. In the 3 days I've been home, I've lost 5 of the 6 lbs. So really there was no need to panic about it. Like my Mom says, "It's only 6 lbs, Rachel."
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
June 30th, 2008 - Day 10
6:38pm
We actually got to the church about 4:15 instead of 3:00, but right now I am home and it feels so good. I am exhausted and my head is pounding from all the travel (I don't know, maybe I clench my jaw more during travel and my TMJ makes my head really hurt), but I am so glad to be home. My iPod is in my ears right now.
I called Mom about an hour before we arrived and she was like, "RACHEL!! I missed you!" It felt great. I missed her a lot too. She should come on next year's mission trip, wherever it's going. James is going to be of age to go too (I can't believe he'll be a freshman next year...that just ain't right), so it'd be cool if all 3 of us could go. Of course we'd have the problem of boarding Coffee the Wonderdog, but still it'd be worth it.
So I got home and nearly fell asleep right away. But Mom wanted to show me my room. We just moved to Illinois from Indiana and my room had pink and white stripes and frilly white curtains. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the color pink...just not on my walls. So before I left for the trip, I painted 3 of the walls cream and one of the walls deep blue (another one of my favorite colors). Mom said she'd work on finishing everything we'd talked about while I was on my trip. So I walked in and it was amazing. She made my desk and set everything up and my comforter was redone and it looks sooooo great. I still need curtains, but I'll look for those soon.
James (who's very artistic) created some little thing on the Paint program on his computer titled, "Rachel's back from Nebraska!!" Pretty much it had little stick figures of us, with me really weary and eventually passing out from exhaustion. Haha. James is really cool. I can't wait till next year when he can come on the mission trip with me! The little brainiac would be awesome at Bible lessons.
So I'm home now, and it feels good. ;D
Pictures of the mission trip for Nebraska will be posted hopefully shortly on my MySpace (you'd have to add me as a friend to see them). I don't have a digital camera yet, I had those disposable ones, so some of the pictures are junky, but still. Anyhow, I have to scan all the pictures to get them on the computer, and right now the scanner keeps getting jammed and then won't scan at all, so I hope it works.
www.myspace.com/laheelahargest
God bless. :)
We actually got to the church about 4:15 instead of 3:00, but right now I am home and it feels so good. I am exhausted and my head is pounding from all the travel (I don't know, maybe I clench my jaw more during travel and my TMJ makes my head really hurt), but I am so glad to be home. My iPod is in my ears right now.
I called Mom about an hour before we arrived and she was like, "RACHEL!! I missed you!" It felt great. I missed her a lot too. She should come on next year's mission trip, wherever it's going. James is going to be of age to go too (I can't believe he'll be a freshman next year...that just ain't right), so it'd be cool if all 3 of us could go. Of course we'd have the problem of boarding Coffee the Wonderdog, but still it'd be worth it.
So I got home and nearly fell asleep right away. But Mom wanted to show me my room. We just moved to Illinois from Indiana and my room had pink and white stripes and frilly white curtains. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the color pink...just not on my walls. So before I left for the trip, I painted 3 of the walls cream and one of the walls deep blue (another one of my favorite colors). Mom said she'd work on finishing everything we'd talked about while I was on my trip. So I walked in and it was amazing. She made my desk and set everything up and my comforter was redone and it looks sooooo great. I still need curtains, but I'll look for those soon.
James (who's very artistic) created some little thing on the Paint program on his computer titled, "Rachel's back from Nebraska!!" Pretty much it had little stick figures of us, with me really weary and eventually passing out from exhaustion. Haha. James is really cool. I can't wait till next year when he can come on the mission trip with me! The little brainiac would be awesome at Bible lessons.
So I'm home now, and it feels good. ;D
Pictures of the mission trip for Nebraska will be posted hopefully shortly on my MySpace (you'd have to add me as a friend to see them). I don't have a digital camera yet, I had those disposable ones, so some of the pictures are junky, but still. Anyhow, I have to scan all the pictures to get them on the computer, and right now the scanner keeps getting jammed and then won't scan at all, so I hope it works.
www.myspace.com/laheelahargest
God bless. :)
June 29th, 2008 - Day 9
7:05pm
Amusement park was awesome. I rode on nearly every single ride there, including one of the highest, fastest, longest coasters in the world (the Mongo). My favorite was the Patriot, where your feet are dangling as you go through loops and stuff. Clayton had never ridden on a roller coaster before and we all went on the Patriot first. Afterwards I asked, "So how did you like your first coaster, Clayton?" He was speechless for two whole minutes. The first words that came out of his mouth were when he stepped off the coaster and exclaimed, "I can't walk!" But he fell in love with the coasters and couldn't get enough of them. Everything was really cool. Really expensive ($3.50 for a can of soda, and those were the cheap ones...other places, you could pay up to $6 for a can of soda). I didn't spend much.
Right now, though, I am in misery. My head is killing me, I'm tired beyond belief, I'm stiff and ache all over, I can't walk without my feet burning, and my rash has gotten much worse. Every time I stepped in the sun, my arms started burning. Eventually they got so unbearable and my aches hurt so bad that I could barely walk. I had to stay in the shade away from the rides the rest of the day. Fortunately Clayton went into Big Brother mode (no, Clayton's not my brother, but he sure can act like one sometimes) and made sure we stayed in the shade, let me get some ice cream to cool down, rode on the train simply to get in the shade and relax. It was nice.
I'm in a hotel now (a very nice one). My arms literally feel like they're on fire, and they hurt even worse when I touch them.
Oh, let this not be something bad.
9:27pm
I just got done eating what could quite possibly be the best meal I've ever eaten in my life. We went to a local place called "54th Street." People told us it was like Applebees, but man, it blew Applebees out of the water. First I had some really amazing wheat honey bread with some special kind of butter, it was the best bread I'd ever had. Then I had a Caesar salad in which every single leaf was crisp, green, fresh, and drenched in delicious Caesar dressing. Like the bread, it was the best salad I'd ever had. Then I had a loaded baked potato (butter, sour cream, chedder cheese, bacon bits, and chives...also the best), a little 6 oz sirloin steak (I don't eat much steak so I don't know if it's the best, but it was darned good), and a few chicken fingers (very good). I ate way much more than I could handle. When I get home, it's weight-losing time for me.
Sorry. I'm sitting by the pool right now and Garrett, Neil, and Lauren are having a cannonball contest and they splashed all over my page. And they're still splashing water over my pages. Garrett and Neil are having swim races. Garrett keeps smoking Neil's butt.
Btw, the funniest thing happened earlier. 2 days ago Neil, Garrett, Lauren, and Tanner were doing a thing where you spin around 10 times and someone shines a flashlight in your eyes and it's impossible not to fall over. So Neil spun around 5 times before he fell flat on his face, and the bridge of his glasses snapped completely in two. Neil's legally-blind, so he needs his glasses to see, so he taped the bridge back together, but it doesn't hold very well. At random times during the day, half it it will fall off so he's left with half-glasses only covering one of his eyes. It's hilarious. Anyway, Neil was carrying something into his hotel room and both his glasses halves fell off. He didn't have time to turn around and pick them up right away, so Clayton picked them up and put them on. They looked so goofy on him and he was having fun with them. I guess, though, he forgot that when a person is legally blind, their glasses are exceptionally thick, which makes it hard to see if you have 20/20 vision. So Clayton turned to walk into his room, grinning smugly and being his usual class clown, and he walked smack into the doorway. He muttered, "Oh, snot!" and Neil's glasses went flying and it was sooo hilarious. You had to be there. I still laugh when I think about it now.
Ooh, I'm incredibly sunburned and it hurts really really bad. Grr.
Anyway. During dinner tonight, I was thanking God for the food and I asked Him, "Why is this mission trip so much different than last year's? In Jamaica, we slept with roaches and fire ants, here we lived the life of luxery. Almost nothing went wrong, and it's almost like we were spoiled. I mean, we still worked hard for You, but we had it so good. Why did You send us here? What's with all the major blessings?"
And I heard it so clearly:
"To see if you would remember Me."
It's true. When we stayed in Jamaica, it was easy to focus on God. We had to. It helped us get through, plus it helped us be thankful for what we did have. Whatever could've gone wrong did go wrong, and God sent more miracles than I can count to make them right.
But here, everything's alright. Everything went right. And I realized that, for most Christians, those are the toughest times to remember God. He just kind of gets pushed away until hard times come and we call on Him agian. But the God who saves from trials is the same God who makes good days too. He's there regardless. So maybe this mission trip was easier to act nonchalant and let God slip a little. Fortunately this team did wonders. God was in it all the way.
I get home about 3:00pm tomorrow. I am seriously missing my iPod. One of the first things I will do when I get home is plug the music in my ears.
Can't wait to get home! Homesickness finally sunk in today.
Amusement park was awesome. I rode on nearly every single ride there, including one of the highest, fastest, longest coasters in the world (the Mongo). My favorite was the Patriot, where your feet are dangling as you go through loops and stuff. Clayton had never ridden on a roller coaster before and we all went on the Patriot first. Afterwards I asked, "So how did you like your first coaster, Clayton?" He was speechless for two whole minutes. The first words that came out of his mouth were when he stepped off the coaster and exclaimed, "I can't walk!" But he fell in love with the coasters and couldn't get enough of them. Everything was really cool. Really expensive ($3.50 for a can of soda, and those were the cheap ones...other places, you could pay up to $6 for a can of soda). I didn't spend much.
Right now, though, I am in misery. My head is killing me, I'm tired beyond belief, I'm stiff and ache all over, I can't walk without my feet burning, and my rash has gotten much worse. Every time I stepped in the sun, my arms started burning. Eventually they got so unbearable and my aches hurt so bad that I could barely walk. I had to stay in the shade away from the rides the rest of the day. Fortunately Clayton went into Big Brother mode (no, Clayton's not my brother, but he sure can act like one sometimes) and made sure we stayed in the shade, let me get some ice cream to cool down, rode on the train simply to get in the shade and relax. It was nice.
I'm in a hotel now (a very nice one). My arms literally feel like they're on fire, and they hurt even worse when I touch them.
Oh, let this not be something bad.
9:27pm
I just got done eating what could quite possibly be the best meal I've ever eaten in my life. We went to a local place called "54th Street." People told us it was like Applebees, but man, it blew Applebees out of the water. First I had some really amazing wheat honey bread with some special kind of butter, it was the best bread I'd ever had. Then I had a Caesar salad in which every single leaf was crisp, green, fresh, and drenched in delicious Caesar dressing. Like the bread, it was the best salad I'd ever had. Then I had a loaded baked potato (butter, sour cream, chedder cheese, bacon bits, and chives...also the best), a little 6 oz sirloin steak (I don't eat much steak so I don't know if it's the best, but it was darned good), and a few chicken fingers (very good). I ate way much more than I could handle. When I get home, it's weight-losing time for me.
Sorry. I'm sitting by the pool right now and Garrett, Neil, and Lauren are having a cannonball contest and they splashed all over my page. And they're still splashing water over my pages. Garrett and Neil are having swim races. Garrett keeps smoking Neil's butt.
Btw, the funniest thing happened earlier. 2 days ago Neil, Garrett, Lauren, and Tanner were doing a thing where you spin around 10 times and someone shines a flashlight in your eyes and it's impossible not to fall over. So Neil spun around 5 times before he fell flat on his face, and the bridge of his glasses snapped completely in two. Neil's legally-blind, so he needs his glasses to see, so he taped the bridge back together, but it doesn't hold very well. At random times during the day, half it it will fall off so he's left with half-glasses only covering one of his eyes. It's hilarious. Anyway, Neil was carrying something into his hotel room and both his glasses halves fell off. He didn't have time to turn around and pick them up right away, so Clayton picked them up and put them on. They looked so goofy on him and he was having fun with them. I guess, though, he forgot that when a person is legally blind, their glasses are exceptionally thick, which makes it hard to see if you have 20/20 vision. So Clayton turned to walk into his room, grinning smugly and being his usual class clown, and he walked smack into the doorway. He muttered, "Oh, snot!" and Neil's glasses went flying and it was sooo hilarious. You had to be there. I still laugh when I think about it now.
Ooh, I'm incredibly sunburned and it hurts really really bad. Grr.
Anyway. During dinner tonight, I was thanking God for the food and I asked Him, "Why is this mission trip so much different than last year's? In Jamaica, we slept with roaches and fire ants, here we lived the life of luxery. Almost nothing went wrong, and it's almost like we were spoiled. I mean, we still worked hard for You, but we had it so good. Why did You send us here? What's with all the major blessings?"
And I heard it so clearly:
"To see if you would remember Me."
It's true. When we stayed in Jamaica, it was easy to focus on God. We had to. It helped us get through, plus it helped us be thankful for what we did have. Whatever could've gone wrong did go wrong, and God sent more miracles than I can count to make them right.
But here, everything's alright. Everything went right. And I realized that, for most Christians, those are the toughest times to remember God. He just kind of gets pushed away until hard times come and we call on Him agian. But the God who saves from trials is the same God who makes good days too. He's there regardless. So maybe this mission trip was easier to act nonchalant and let God slip a little. Fortunately this team did wonders. God was in it all the way.
I get home about 3:00pm tomorrow. I am seriously missing my iPod. One of the first things I will do when I get home is plug the music in my ears.
Can't wait to get home! Homesickness finally sunk in today.
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