A Letter From The Heart - 9/29/08

Dear God,

I know You can read my heart and hear my prayers, but for me, right now I really need to get this prayer to You down on paper. For one thing, I really express myself with words, for another, I may need to read this letter later when I inevitably fall into the same misery.

I've always known the verse, "Delight inthe Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Obviously You know the desire of my heart: love and affection from a man. Now You know I'm not weak and needy and I don't need a boyfriend to be confident or happy and whatnot. My confidence comes from you (otherwise I ain't got any). I am who I am because of You. You are everything. You are amazing. And I don't need a boy to "complete" me because I am already completed in You. I know that.

Still, You do see the desire of my heart. I am almost 16 years old and I have never held hands, been asked out, anything. Sometimes I wonder if I'm attractive to anyone. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not pretty and that's why no one's responding to me. I won't lie (You'd know if I did anyway): I'd love to feel the warmth of a kiss. I've never gotten one. It gets so difficult sometimes because I have always wanted this, I have always had this desire for intimacy with a guy.

Of course I'm not shallow and I don't want a shallow relationship. I want a man after Your heart (darn, are those dudes attractive). A man who lives boldly and out loud for You...wow. I couldn't imagine settling for someone who's not seeking and following You.

But I do want that intimacy. Tonight was really hard. It overwhelmed me. I know You can see my heart. It hurt. Particularly because I do delight in You and I was unhappy that Your timing for my heart's desire was taking too long for me. This is seriously everything I long for on this earth, that kind of love and affection from a guy.

Then I grabbed 3 Bibles: my Teen Study one, a KJV one, and the NIV my Dad got for me. And I found Psalm 37, which has that "delight in the Lord" verse. I read the whole thing through slowly, letting it all sink in.

Alright. You got me, Lord. You got me. Again. There are 3 verses that stood out for me: "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart...be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."

So, God, I know You revealed stuff to me (like how it helps to read the entire chapter instead of just a verse...I know You're laughing and saying "duh"). First of all, I need to trust in You, which is something I admit I don't take seriously half the time. I mean, I trust You, but then I get antsy cuz Your timing isn't what I want it to be. That's not trust. I looked it up, the definition of "trust" is "reliance on another." I have to rely on You. I have trust issues, but that's my problem. You always keep Your promises, and I beg You to destroy these fears in me that tell me somehow You will let me down. It's not about me, God. I really, truly trust You now. It is out of my control. This is all Yours now.

Next, "do good" isn't really that difficult for me. I feel so odd saying that because everyone else seems to struggle with doing the right thing, but...I don't know. It's not real hard for me to stand up for what's right or "do good." My confidence is in You, so I can't fail.

The next verse about dwelling in the land really smacked me because as I read it, it was almost as if the words morphed to apply to my situation before it hit my brain. What I heard was, "Enjoy the safety and the comfort you are living in. You have never had to deal with a bad relationship, breakups, and no boy has even damaged the outer layer of your purity because I have protected you." That's amazing. You have given me a "safe pasture to enjoy."

And of course, the "delight in the Lord" verse I know. But the next one got me. "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him." I once had to practice a vocal song for my music teacher based pretty much on those verses, only it used "rest in the Lord" instead of "be still." But, yeah, I get it now: I must wait for Your timing (I learned that with the Headache Trial way back then, but You know me...I'm so compartmentalized, I learned to wait for Your timing for physical pain...emotional pain is another story). You know what You're doing. You know my life better than I do. I know You will keep Your promise and give me the desire of my heart, but it will be in Your time. In the meantime, I will be still before You and wait patiently.

Funny how I feel oodles better and my heart doesn't hurt anymore - the Bible has a way of solving any problem. God, thanks for writing it for me. I'd honestly be lost without it. And thanks for the different versons - they help me understand some things better.

Thanks for what You did tonight, God. Help me live out what You taught me. I love You. I seriously do.

-Rachel

Learning more about myself than I first thought

There I was sitting, on the couch, a miserable expression on my face. My soul was downcast. My heart was ripping. I felt like the world was about to end. Oh, how I would throw myself off the nearest bridge if I could. The torture, the pain, the sadness. All too much for me to bear.

"Ah, the tragedy of unrequitted love," you sigh for me.

"Why, no," I would reply. "It's the tragedy of algebra."

Algebra is indeed a tragedy for me. I cannot stand the subject (nor can I stand geography and biology, so you may be hearing about those later). I don't get it, nor do I get why I need to learn it. I'm going to be a music major. True, there is math in music. For instance, you have to count beats. How difficult...for a kindergartener.
Mom tries to shoot me this phony baloney about, "You'll need it in adulthood." Then I ask her for some help on a particular concept, she stares at it for a while, then says, "I don't know" and goes to fetch the teacher's manual.
Obviously if Mom used it throughout her adult life, it would still be fresh in her brain, correct? So why do I have to learn it? "It makes you well-rounded." I want to be a musician, not a nuclear scientist, do I need to know algebra and plotting lines on graphs? "No, but it's good for you." Why do I need to do it? "To get into college."

Whoever came up with that standard should be shot.

"I think you have a little bit of a perfectionist streak in you," Mom tells me.
"I do not," I say as tears well up in my eyes because I'm not getting a concept I'd already learned.

Yes, it does frustrate me that I seem to be getting more B's than A's right now. Mom tells me I should either suck it up or figure out how to work for those A's.
But I don't wanna work for them, I want them to come naturally like they always did.
My mind flashes back to when I was 10-years-old. I wrote angrily in my diary, "Dear Diary, I HATE TODAY!! I forgot how to do my double-digit multiplication!"

Oh lordy, why did those days have to end?

Sure, I got aggravated, but I always got A's. It just came naturally. No matter what subject, I just got A's. It was guaranteed (except botany in 4th grade, in which I failed the entire subject with a resounding F). It irritates me that I can't just make A's naturally anymore. I have to work to get my A's now.

I have learned more about myself from this, although I didn't know there was anything else about me to learn. It is true I have a laidback, optimistic, easy-going personality when it comes to most things. I keep a level head in times of panic so I always remember what to do, I can take on surprise situations, I'm the most patient of my family (you ought to see how they stir while waiting for the Internet server to come up 30 seconds after they click it while I simply wait it out, because it's not a big deal, I know it'll come up eventually). I also drive my little brother (who's a little on the pessimistic side) insane with my philosophies. (Example: he wants to throw his Nintendo controller out the window, rip his bed apart, and smash his fist through the TV screen when Mario doesn't jump for the 80th time, and then he wants to rip me apart when I tell him, "It's just a game, besides you can always try again.").

For that reason, I have always denied the fact that I have a perfectionist streak in me. My insides would moan, "Nooo! It's not true!" But I have to accept the fact now that, yes, it is. When it comes to my grades and my music, I am extremely perfectionistic. (Is that a word?) And the thing is, I hate perfectionism (I don't think that's a word either). It drives me nuts when people want things absolutely perfect. My Dad is an extreme perfectionist and it drives me nuts. My little brother is also a perfectionist, and when you mix it with pessimism, that's a double whammy. It seems to me his video games are what makes him the angriest, but he still insists on playing them and I don't get it.

So why do the school subjects I'm not so good at irritate me so much? Because I hate perfectionism and when it comes to those subjects, I'm a perfectionist. I get so irritated at myself because I know it's not a big deal, it's just a math test, a B is a good grade. But I want it to be perfect! And then my other side says, But I hate perfectionists!

This conflict is going to drive me insane until I graduate college and don't have to worry about grades. It's good to finally understand why algebra and biology and geography bother me so much. I might be able to think of a counterattack now.

Which brings me to prayer....

One body, many parts

Earlier today during school, I checked my agenda to see what I had next to do. I swallowed as the words "Geography Test" screamed out at me.

1 1/2 weeks into the school year, I have decided that geography is my least favorite subject so far. It just bores me. I'm never going to visit 99% of these countries, so I really don't see the point in being able to know all those teeny tiny countries I've never heard about. I know the general area of these places. You ask me where anything that ends in "stan" is, I know it's in the Middle East.

However, my younger brother (I can't say little brother anymore cuz he's now taller than I am) loves it. It's his favorite. You can ask him where anything is and he'll tell you.

Mom decided to take a little different approach for the geography test (James and I were taking the same test at the same time). She made it into a competitive game. She brought a bell down, placed it on the coffee table, and had me and James stand in the doorway several feet away. I knew I wasn't going to like this. Mom explained the rules: she would ask a question and whoever knew the answer had to ring the bell first and answer it.

Well, this is nice.

Half the stuff I'd learned flew from my mind as the questions were read off. The only couple times I did ring the bell was when James let me out of pity. I didn't enjoy the game at all and I felt frustrated beyond belief when it was finished. Why was my younger brother smarter than me? Why couldn't I grasp geography? Why did he seem like an absolute genius compared to me? And why did Mom pit him against me when she had to know how much better he was than me?

In other words, I felt miserable. I felt stupid. I felt embarrassed for feeling miserable and stupid. Why did it have to be this way?

Then God smacked me over the head. Rachel. Obviously I have not gifted you in geography. I gave you the gift of music. Quit being jealous.

Of course. While James smoked my butt in the geography test, he can retain just as much about music as I can about geography. I don't know which country is Niger, and he doesn't know how many flats are in the B flat scale. I can't remember what the sea in the Atlantic Ocean is (James keeps telling me it's Sargasso, but I keep thinking Sargento...then Mom tells me that's a cheese), and he doesn't know what Adante Moderato means.

The body of Christ has many parts. And I have to get it into my head that I can't be all the parts all at once. Not to say I shouldn't try (because I have to complete geography in order to complete 10th grade), but it's not my best subject and that's okay. God gifted me in music. So I shouldn't have been so selfish during the game. I should've been happy for James - he obviously enjoyed it.

One body. Many parts. Something I think a lot of us have to accept.

My brain hurts....

This Monday I had to wake up bright and early (I am not a morning person: 8:00am is bright and early to me). That is because my sophomore year in high school started.

I actually didn't mind that much at first. Summer had been getting just a little tedious with nothing much to do. The first day of school Mom mostly showed me what I was going to be doing. I smiled as I noticed Bible devotion, vocabulary, and music practice on my agenda. I have always enjoyed those subjects.

Then horror stirred in my soul as the words ALGEBRA and BIOLOGY and GEOGRAPHY leaped out at me. I'd started algebra last year. I hated every minute of it (mostly because I couldn't understand it to save my life). I have never been a fan of science (for me, I'm fine not knowing the many mechanics of a blade of grass...I just know it's a blade of grass and it's there), and last year's physics and chemistry wasn't high on my favorites list. Therefore, I didn't think biology would hold much for me either. And geography....I can't find my shoes half the time, let alone every country in the world (as my curriculum says I'm going to be able to do by the end of the year...I laughed out loud).

Well, I'm 3 days in now. Algebra has been review so far, which I've done well at except for the end of the last test (solving for the unknown with fractions and decimals...totally lost me). Biology has actually been understandable so far, although some of the definitions I have to take note of are a little complex. For example: I saw the word "metabolism."
I know what that is, I so foolishly thought. It's that thing in your body that burns up food.
The actual answer? "The sum total of all processes in an organism which convert energy and matter from outside sources and use that energy and matter to sustain the organism's life functions."
Wait, what?

Geometry is going to be somewhat of a challenge for me this year, partly because I'm not good at it, partly because my brother can point out countries with his eyes closed (and he'll shove it in your face too). Mom gave me a sheet of paper with Africa outlined on it, with all its countries outlined as well. She wanted to know which countries I knew. I pointed out Egypt.
I think I need to work on it.

So, I was sighing, thinking about how much work this was going to be.
And then I went to the local public school for my drivers ed class. 50 minutes in a small sweaty classroom with one other girl and a bajillion guys...freshman guys. You know, the ones who shouldn't need any food because they're already too full on themselves.
We watched a video for the class, kids around me whispering every few seconds, the teacher having to hush them up. The seats were the most uncomfortable thing I've ever had to sit on (my entire back was aching). The desks were all cramped together a little too closely in my opinion. And after the video was done, I had to sit for 10 whole minutes twiddling my thumbs until the bell rang and I could leave. I met Mom out at the car with my report: "Drivers ed was fun. The public school setting wasn't really."

It's not like it was a traumatizing experience. I could do public school. It's not like I have a problem with being way too shy or anything (I am extremely quiet, but that's just my personality). I could do it. I just realized after that, I preferred homeschooling a lot better. For one thing, I can sit on a comfy couch while I do my schoolwork (no back pain). My teacher can give me personal attention if I need help on something. There are almost no distractions (the biggest one we have is our dog plopping his toys in our laps trying to get us to play with him). If I need extra time on a subject in order to master it, I can get it. My teacher is guaranteed to be nice (she's my Mom, after all). When I'm done with a subject, I can just move on to the next one (not have to sit and try to count the flies in the room for 10 minutes until I'm dismissed). Because I can launch right into my school and focus completely on it until it's done, I have 3 1/2 hour school days - and I'm still getting everything done that I need to get done. I can use the bathroom when I want. I can grab whatever I want for lunch. I can pick which subjects I want to do first.

I really enjoy homeschooling.

So, I know trying to figure out 1/2 Y + 3/4 = 6 is going to be tough (I just made that up right there, so it's probably wrong). I know trying to grasp photosynthesis and mitochondria and the point of dissecting frogs is going to be hard. And I know trying to figure out where the heck the Republic of the Congo is is going to be hard. But I'm thankful I'm in an environment where it fits my personality and I can learn it better.

And prepare myself for drivers ed tomorrow.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

My youth pastor (PJ) preached the sermon for the whole church last Sunday. Its theme was about worry. PJ did an amazing job explaining how worrying was against God's plan, bad for your health (stomach ulcers, etc), and, in fact, a sin. I never thought about worry being a sin before, but the more he explained it, the more I realized he was right. Of course we should still have concerns. For example, if we're driving and suddenly the car jerks to the right while you're on a bridge, crashes through the guardrail, and you're hanging half-over the edge awaiting your doom...that's concern.

But the thing about concern is, you deal with it. You're concerned that the lawn needs to be mowed, so mow it. You're concerned about your family getting fed, so work and feed them. Worrying is useless. It doesn't get anything done. In fact, Jesus asks, "How can you add one hour to your life by worrying?" PJ added, "I know you can certainly take some away."

I sorely needed to hear that message. I take after my Dad in that I worry like crazy, which I seriously don't understand and is very confusing because I'm also an easygoing laid-back person. In all actuality, I'm very laidback around other people. If something ever happened to them, at least I'd be there to help (and I'm known for being very calm and level-headed in times of emergency). It's when I'm alone that I start panicking. Oftentimes, it's about stupid irrelevant stuff that will probably never happen, and what's worse, I'll build onto it from there so it'll be one big mess of things that will probably never happen.

It goes like this: I wonder what would happen if our house suddenly caught fire. What if I accidentally left one of the lights on downstairs and somehow the house creaked and then it made the end table shake and the lamp fell and broke. Then it would hit the couch and - oh my, what if the couch caught fire? Then it would make the carpet catch fire. Then the entire downstairs would catch fire! What if the smoke alarm broke? Even if it didn't break, what if I was just stuck? What if I couldn't get my little brother out to safety? What about my dog? HE SLEEPS DOWNSTAIRS, DOESN'T HE, WHAT IF HE CAUGHT FIRE??! Oh my poor pooch...
Oh gosh, I just thought of something...the computer is downstairs. What if the computer caught fire? What if it got destroyed? My entire iTunes library is on that computer. Nearly 1,000 songs. What would I do without them? What if my iPod was destroyed? How could I possibly live without my iPod? Or my diaries. What if all my memories were destroyed? What if it burnt completely to the ground and we lost everything?

And then I'd be praying that the house wouldn't catch fire. Because knowing me, I would not leave the house without my family and dog being safe outside, and my iPod safe in my hands (and hopefully my diaries too). (But the iPod is a definite).

Surveys show that most of the time, our worries are about things that will probably never happen. It's unhealthy. It's useless. It's wrong. God tells us to cast our anxiety on Him, because He cares for us. He wants us to let Him worry about it (of course God doesn't actually worry, but you get the point). Prayer is one of the best ways to get rid of worry.

Anything you're worried about?

The Bucket List

Okay, not really a "Bucket List" for me, since I really don't expect to be "kicking the bucket" anytime soon. But a lot of people encourage teens to do this too: make a list of all the things they want to do before they are 18 or graduate high school.

So I decided I'd give it a shot, take a look at all the things I really want to do. Here's what I came up with:

1) Go to prom.
As a homeschooler, this is not as easy as other kids have it, but I would absolutely die to go to prom, get all prettied up for one night. If no one will take me, I'll go with a friend. I am going to prom before I graduate high school. I'll make sure of that.

2) Buy a car.
Okay, I probably won't do this until I'm 18 or extremely close to graduating because, frankly, right now I don't need one and I don't have the money for one. But I'm gonna need one before I leave for college.

3) Learn to run a mile.
On good days, I walk 3 miles. Otherwise, I make sure to walk at least 1 or 2 each day. But running I'm not so good at. So I want to learn to be able to run a mile before I'm 18.

4) Learn guitar.
I've wanted to learn guitar for a while. I love playing piano, but I'd love to be able to play guitar too. Just another instrument. Plus, it's easier to take a guitar traveling with you than a piano.

5) Read the Bible every day.
Alright, this isn't something I can really "accomplish" since it's something I'll always be doing, but I've really been getting into the habit of doing it (usually at night since that's when I'm most awake and more apt to concentrate) and it's been really refreshing. I learn stuff I never really paid attention to before, and my Teen Study Bible has a bunch of blurbs that help a lot - sometimes with the problem I'm dealing with at the moment. It's really rewarding. I especially like reading Paul's letters. He gives great advice.

6) See Josh Groban in concert.
I love every single type of music and hundreds upon hundreds of artists. If you ask me what my favorite band is, I won't be able to to tell you. Same with female singer. But my favorite singer of all time is Josh Groben. His voice melts me like chocolate. Once he goes back on tour, I would absolutely love to see him perform in concert. Even if I have to pay $100 for it. He's the only one I can think of who'd be worth that amount of money.

7) Perform in a fair/talent show/musical.
Really get out there and show my vocal talent. Let the world hear me. If I'm able to perform in a musical, I'd love that. Sing and act at the same time.

8) Become fluent in Italian.
This is actually kinda "mandatory" since I have to take two years of foreign language starting in my junior year, and I've decided to take Italian (they just have a beautiful language...Italian songs are beautifully put together). I'm really, really excited to get started on it. Especially because, sometime in life, I would love to go to Italy. Maybe France too, but especially Italy.

Anyway, that's what I've got. I think that's enough to get me started.

Do you have one?

The Green Eyed Monster

One of the things my mother told me when I was a little girl was to "not become the Green Eyed Monster." Pretty much, when you are jealous about something that someone else has, you turn into a monster. Not wanting to turn into a monster, I tried my hardest to be happy with what I had at that young age.

Lord knows the jealousy problem does not go away when you enter your teens. In fact, it increases by a lot. Particularly when you bring the opposite sex into the issue. What do all the teen magazines say you should do with an ex? Make them jealous.

So far I have been fortunately spared too much guy issues (I have had them, but not to the extent some of my friends have). However, I am going to reveal the dirty truth that, yes, I am a jealous person.

It's one of my pitfalls. Nobody can ever tell that I'm jealous, but ooh, if you saw the inside, my longings are incredible. I have a nasty habit of comparing myself to others. "Man, I wish I were as thin as her" or "Why can't my hair do that?" or "How come they get all that stuff just by asking and I have to work for mine?" I never pay attention to the fact that my body's in very good shape, I can do a lot of styles with my hair, and the stuff that I buy with my own hard-earned money comes with a certain satisfaction. I just get jealous that I'm not that thin or my hair's not that straight.

Another thing I get almost bitter about sometimes is the fact that other families do extraordinary things that they take for granted, that my family simply cannot afford. I was looking through Brio And Beyond, my favorite magazine, and noticed an offer for a mother-daughter cruise to Mexico. Looked amazing. I looked it up online, and it would be about $1,200 for the both of us. That did not include air fair. I read deeper into the magazine and read dozens of testimonials from the past mother-daughter cruise about how amazing it was and how it changed their lives and restored relationships and all this and all that.
My first thought? They should be thanking God they have enough spare money to go on a cruise.
What also surprised me was, when I was looking up ticket prices for the cruise, I noticed that the most expensive arrangements - $3,000 per person - were sold out. That annoyed me. These people can just fish $6,000 out of their purse for a cruise while we have to super-price just to get my piano tuned?

I decided not to think about it. I had to accept that my family could not just go on a cruise when we felt like it.

Nor can we do other extraordinary things other teens just take for granted, things that would be an absolute dream-come-true for me. I saw an ad on the side of my MySpace page for a music camp called Powerchord Academy. Curious, I looked it up. Everything I've dreamed about doing with my music, I could do at that camp. Play in a band with my specialty instrument (lead vocals). Learn how to write songs better. Meet professional musicians. Record a professional album. Even have it submitted to a major record company on the off-chance that they accept us. All this and tons more. My heart was flipping in my chest. I examined the cost.
$1,200 per session. And they said if you were a serious musician, they suggest you say for 4 sessions.
Who can afford this? I wonder. Obviously hundreds and hundreds of teens around the country - even from around the world - can. I didn't even bother to read the testimonials. It could disappoint me even more.

Even seeing what my friends get for birthday/Christmas gifts sets off my Jealous-ometer. I look at one of the most advanced cell phones one of my friends has. I ask, "How much did it cost?" "Dunno, got it for my birthday." "Wow, that's a cool iHome. How much was it?" "Dunno, got it for Christmas." "Is that an iPod classic? How much do those cost again?" "Dunno, my grandma got it for me for Easter."

My family just cannot afford these things. And it really irritates me sometimes.
Which is why, one day when I was reading Proverbs, two verses smacked me right in the face. One is from Proverbs 27: 20 - "Death and destruction are never satisfied, and neither are the eyes of a man." So, even if I had everything, I would still not be satisfied, because someone else would have something better that I wish I had. I will always want more. It will never cease.

The other is Proverbs 27:4 - "Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?"
I don't like anger. I can definitely attest that anger is cruel and fury is overwhelming. And I know people that seem to always be angry or furious. But what really hit me was the last part: "But who can stand before jealousy?" So jealousy is even worse than anger? Jealousy must be really bad then.

Those two verses have really helped me be content with what I've got. I may never be able to dig out $1,000 for a specific event. In fact, I might not be able to get out even $2o0 for one. But I rely on God to help me not to be jealous about it. Who I am in Christ is better than any worldly possession.